Life Is Not Always A Straight Path

"Life is not always a straight path..."

These wise words were spoken by the man--  the brilliant scientist--  who gave me my start in the science field almost 6 years ago. I paid him a visit during my lunch break to have an open conversation about my frustrations in trying to start my career and to seek advice from someone who has been in the field for over 50 years. I told him how I finished school the year after my summer internship there. How I applied to over 860 jobs during that time period, and only ended up with a job as a bank teller. How I don't even know what I want to pursue anymore because everything that I've gone after thus far has been one big disappointment; and how I was grateful to be back in the hospital where I started, but it was still not where I wanted to be. He listened quietly and after I had said all that was on my heart, he spoke softly and said "Life is not always a straight path, but you will get to your destination at the right time."

Those words have stuck with me since, and has sort of become my mantra. I now see life- especially in regards to goals and dreams- as a really long journey. One will lots of rest stops, flat tires, and detours. We are not just born and then zip-lined through all the major milestones  and goals to our death. No! We have to fall and scrape our knees before we learn to walk, and we have to have our hearts broken by silly boys in high school, before we meet the loving husband of our forever. We have to go through the disappointments and rejections to grow thick skin. And we have to start from the bottom to be able to survive at the top.

Tomorrow, I begin a new position in Clinical Research. This comes only 10 months after I left the bank and started working as a data coordinator. I am incredibly grateful to be one step closer to my career goals. Which, to be honest, I don't even know what that looks like anymore, but I know that this is a step in the right direction, and just one of the many curves that life has thrown me into.

As I enter into this new chapter of life, I can't help but look at where I have come from. As a bank teller, I learned to speak up, get over my severe social anxiety, handle various personalities, and become well versed in finance- something I was never interested in before. As data coordinator, I was able to take my communication skills up several notches. Working with a multidisciplinary team of doctors, lab technicians, secretaries, and sales reps would have worn this introvert out if I did not have the experience of working at an extremely busy branch and dealing with strong-willed, loud mouth customers. Not only was I able to interact with different personalities in that new role, but I was able to communicate information effectively and properly manage the work-flow of a lab that was becoming increasingly busy.

I'm not sure why advancing from the bank took 2.5 yrs and advancing from data coordinator only took 10 months, but I am more than certain that the lessons learned are absolutely necessary for where life will take me.

Here's to another stepping stone. Another meaningful curve to life's path.

An Honest Post

I have found myself in a really dark place lately. It’s nothing new really, I’ve faced depression before. This year, however, has been the hardest one in a while. Beginning in March, I found myself feeling really sad and empty. I would stand in the shower and begin weeping for a good 30 seconds. Then the weeping would end, like a faucet being turned off. No drip of a single tear, no thoughts as to why I was sad or crying—nothing. That lasted for a few weeks. It’s a little different now. I am sad and I feel hopeless at times, but there is minimal weeping. I am not sure why that is, but a part of me thinks that it’s because after so many years my circumstances haven’t changed and so there is no hope of them changing now. It’s kind of like settling, or being at peace. Except I am not really at peace. I just have an understanding that life is what it is. We can will it to change, but maybe it won’t. We can work hard to attain our goals and dreams, but we may never make it. THIS IS THE UNCERTAINTY OF LIFE. Que sera, sera.  

That is a really strong revelation to have during an emotionally unstable time, isn’t it?

I did not arrive at this revelation on my own, however. I was listening to Corinne Bailey Rae's The Love E.P. few weeks ago, when her beautiful (extended live) rendition of Que sera, sera began to play. This is actually one of my all-time favorite songs, so I know the lyrics pretty well. But that time it really hit me like something new. The story of a woman wanting to know what lies ahead for her future and receiving the response "Whatever will be, will be; The future is not ours to see" is so profound in its simplicity. As humans, we are all so caught up  with what our futures will be like. We set goals, we have big dreams, we make plans years in advance. Sometimes they come to fruition and sometimes they don't. 

I remember growing up, I wanted to work in the healthcare field. I wanted to be a doctor-- more specifically, a neurosurgeon, after reading Ben Carson's book Gifted Hands. I carried this goal with me for years. I went to college with the intention of being a Pre-Med student and attending medical school afterward to attain these goals. Then freshman year Chemistry kicked my butt, Molecular biology kicked my arse and I just. struggled. I even had my freshman adviser say that I should "study music, or something" since I was having such a hard time. I got rid of her as an adviser and found favor with another professor who carefully guided me through my remaining years of undergrad. It was then that I fell in love with laboratory work and research. I changed my goals to cancer research and worked feverishly to attain it. I attended graduate school for 2 years and graduated with high hopes of starting my career in Research immediately. That did not happen, however, as here I am four years later with 880+ submitted applications, zero offers, thousands of dollars in student loan debt, 2.5 years as a bank teller and 6 months as an administrative assistant to show for it. Que sera, sera.

This has caused me to cycle through the gamut of emotions (including the depression that I mentioned earlier) because of my circumstances. However, nothing has quite brought comfort and solace until grasping the idea that when it comes to life, Que sera, sera. No matter how many self-help books you read, or motivational speeches you listen to... no matter how many suggestions friends, loved ones, colleagues, etc. throw at you, and no matter how many of them you try, the truth beneath it all is that whatever is meant to happen in your life, will happen. Yes, sometimes we wish really hard for something and that wish comes true. Yes, sometimes we work our butts off over many years to attain a goal and we finally reach it. Yes, sometimes we don't don't work really hard for things at all and they seemingly fall into laps. Yes, that too! But that is not the case for everyone. Sometimes people work just as hard, if not harder, to attain goals and never reach them. Sometimes they never give up.... they fight their entire lives, only to come up short. It's just what was in the cards for them. It is what is in the cards for you. It is what is in the cards for me. 

I've noticed a trend in the past few  years. I can't think of the appropriate terminology for it right now, but it is along of the lines of people making themselves gods... or a form of God. They have mantras like "create your own reality" or "Self-achievement". We have become a very self-reliant generation. One where we rely on our own strengths and powers and will to get us through. I don't believe in that way of thinking however, because as human beings, we are very weak. We are fragile. We are breakable. And no amount of inner strength can prevent us from being broken. Similarly, often times, no amount of wishing or working to attain something will make it a reality -- if it is not written in the cards for your life. You see, people fail to realize that humans are not gods... WE are not gods. We can't will something to happen and then have it come to pass. I think that by chance, sometimes, it may happen that way, but that is neither coincidence or chance. It is your life's will. I believe in a sovereign God who know's everything about our lives - beginning to end. I believe that every detail of our lives are already written - who our parents are,  who we marry, who we give birth to, when we die. I believe it is all a story that is written out for us, all that's left for us to do is live it out. 

So yes, sometimes it's difficult for us when we set goals and never attain them. It's even more frustrating when we try hundreds of various ways to attain them with no luck of doing so. But sometimes we have to accept where our lives take us, because that is what is written in life's story for us. Sure, no one wills to be impoverished. No one wills to be born with or acquire a debilitating illness. But that is the life people get dealt sometimes and the people in those situations live with those circumstances to the best of their abilities. It does not stop them from being sad at times, and it does not stop them for wishing for a change, but they learn to live. And live they must! For we are only given this one life on earth. It may not be the "best", but it is what it is. 

Que sera, sera. 

Whatever will be, will be. 

Living In The Present

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

I've realized something recently -- that no matter how hard life gets and no matter how miserable it may seem at times, it gets better. I have spent the last four years hoping and wishing for so many things: my 'dream' job, comfort, joy-- that I almost missed the point and the process. Life is a journey. That means that we don't drive one full distance and some how land at our destinations. There are bumps in the road, and people who cut you off, and periods of rest, and even times when you roll the window down and sing at the top of your lungs in complete bliss.  It is not one straight, boring drive. So, sometimes when life seems rough, take time to regroup and find the good in the journey.

When taking stock of the last four years,  I see how much I have grown. I realize that those hard times passed. They passed! I am glad that I waited out those days and nights when I thought I could not go on any longer. I am glad that I did ride out the storm. Most of all, I am glad for days like today, when I can remember that all is well; I am still alive. And I can put this memory in my pocket for later down the road when life seems hard again. I can look back and say "Remember how you've made it through before? Hang on... smooth sailing/driving is ahead." 

28.

Today is my 28th birthday, and I guess I don't really have many thoughts on the matter, but I what I do have, I will share them in this space.

I have to think twice about my age these days-- like, asking 4 year old how old they are and they hold up 2 or 3 fingers? -- yea, like that.

One thing I have noticed a change in is my physical appearance, mainly in my face. In comparison to old selfies (can't believe I just said that), I've noticed that my face has a mature look to it, though my eyes haven't changed much. 

I have noticed that I am a little more slow to anger, and much less likely to hold a grudge... neither of which were good for my well-being anyway. 

I have gained a bit of weight over the past year (much to my displeasure). I am in a weight bracket that I have never been in my life, but plan on not keeping it this way.

Sometimes, I look at pictures of other women on social media. They look all glammed-up and gorgeous and I end up feeling like a plain Jane. So, I have been on a matte-lipstick buying spree, and sometimes I throw on a bit of medium-coverage foundation. But I am still just a 2-coat mascara girl most days, and I guess I am okay with that. 

I think about motherhood a lot more lately, but not in the "broodish", "baby-feverish" way I did in the past. I think long and hard about how life would change, what kind of mother I would want to be, and how sometimes this whole parenting thing scares the crap out of me. However, I am glad that we are able to think through these thoughts before making that big leap. 

All in all, this has just been a year of self-observation and self-learning for me. I finally feel a little more grown-up. A little more in tune with who I am as a person. 

2015: Year in Review

I am not sure what it is about year's end that causes us to reflect, dream and plan. Maybe it's the idea of starting afresh. That start of a new year is a do-over of sorts. A year to finally get things in order. Maybe it is a sort of subconscious clock within our hearts, similar to that of the changing seasons, that there is a time in our lives for something new. I don't know what it is, but I think it is beautiful.


I remember entering 2015 on a bit of a sad and hopeless note. I did not know what they year had in store, and I was not expecting it to be great, since everything I seemed to have hoped and wished for in the last few years did not come to pass. It was not a matter of not trying. I guess those things were just not meant to be. I wish I could say that I have new dreams now, but I do not. I do not know what I want anymore, and frankly, I am kind of tired of trying. For the coming year, I think I will just keep my expectations at a minimum and see what comes from it.

All melancholy aside, 2015 has had some moments that have helped to shape and build me to the person that I am at this point. It has been full of first time experiences and character-building processes. The low times were not always low and the joyful times made my smiles big and my heart full. I am sure I will reflect back later in life and and think 'that wasn't so bad'.

2015 Happenings

27th birthday. what an awkward age! I guess it only gets more awkward from here)
Meeting my half-sister,Akelia, her husband and my niece. -- finally! we have been in contact on and off for about 10 years and I finally got to meet her. it was crazy seeing how many similarities we had.)
Weekend getaway at the Jersey shore -- it was so nice for us to get away. It helped to refresh us and take away some of the stress and tension that had been lingering. I think this is something we need to do more.
5 year college reunion. five years already! ... another reason why 27 feels so odd.
First car accident. major bummer! but no injuries and minor damages.
My brother-in-love's wedding in NY-- this was Beau's first time seeing his brothers and parents since our wedding in 2012!! It was also such a small and intimate ceremony/celebration. I really enjoyed it.
Expanded my photography -- I considered making it a business venture, but realized that the market is already saturated with really good photographers. So, I just enjoyed the opportunities that were offered to me. I was able to shoot a sweet 16, a wedding, a baby christening, and my dear blogger friend, LaNeshe, allowed me to hold a fall photo shoot of her and her adorable family.
Home furnishings. We are finally filling in the gaps in our home. This year, we paid off on our sofa, got a rug and a gorgeous wood TV/console table set. We even hung a painting in the dining room. Things are finally coming together. Little by little, we are filling the living room with pieces we love and I couldn't be more happy.
Our 3 year wedding anniversary. Beau and I saved up throughout the year and decided to go away for our anniversary in November. We flew down to Tampa, Fl and stayed there for couple days. We ventured out to the Clearwater/St. Petersburg area, walked the beach, drove through the cities, and enjoyed the warm air. It was a really nice stay for us. We are now thinking about possibly living in Florida in the future. The most special part of our anniversary trip was meeting up with Ashley from Ashley Holstein Photography and having a cheeky little anniversary photo shoot. The photos came out beautifully and I am so happy with them. This week was the highlight of 2015 for me!

Thank you for those who still check in every once in a while, even though my posts have been sparse. I look forward to sharing more of this journey with you all in the new year! 

♥ Jhan

On Being a Teller

Wednesday, October 28,  marked 2 years since I began working as a teller, and I don't quite know how to feel about it. On one hand, I feel great-- accomplished, if you will. This was my first real job post school and I think I have done pretty well. On the other, I feel a unaccomplished. I spent so much money on university and attaining a Master's degree in the sciences, but I found myself processing banking transactions for a living. I never wanted to enter into the realm of sales and customer service, but I found myself here and had to go at it full-force! I take my jobs seriously, you see, and although I hate offering credit cards, and pushing accounts to people who already bank comfortably in other places, I understand that it is a job requirement, so I do my best to sell our products and be cordial to our customers (even the rude ones).

As previously stated, I never saw myself in this position and when I started, I did not expect to be there long-- much less 2 years. But it is a part of life. So, I take it in stride.

I have been writing this post for months wanting to share my experience as a teller, but did not know how to go about an introduction. But this is the perfect opportunity. Here I will share a bit of what it is like being a bank teller:

slow days // staring at the walls. On a really slow day,  something like the black mulch spontaneously combusting into flames from the summer heat or a grasshopper sitting in one place for several hours will easily serve as entertainment that day.

"new girl".

*whispers* "Who's the new girl?"

- um, Jhan has been with us for almost two years now.

Some customers get a little nervous when they see someone new behind the teller line. But for the life of me, I cannot understand why some people think I am new. That question gets asked at least once per week. Even after working there for 2 years. And even though I work part-time, I still pushed 40 hours most weeks. I think it has to do with changing my hair often. I will be publishing a post on that later.

cash differences. Customers will eagerly notify you if you have mistakenly shorted them $0.87. Trust me, I know.  In the same manner, there are also customers-- though very few-- who will be honest and return the extra cash you have given to them in error. Bless their hearts.

safety concerns.  I would say that my branch location is in a pretty safe neighborhood. Unlike other branches I have helped out at, we don't have a ceiling-high glass panels separating us from our customers... but that did not stop us from getting robbed last summer...

the crazies.  From the guy warning you to "watch the 3 o'clock news" if he happens to "drop down dead" in front of you (on a Saturday no less) to the woman angered by the fact that the full account number for her mortgage payment was not displayed on the receipt-- you know, for her to lose the receipt and that number is accessible to anyone who finds it... We have our share.

relationships. My favorite aspect of banking is the ability to build relationships with customers. I get to share in the joys of first time pregnancies and the end of a long chemo treatment. I get to sympathize with those who have lost their parents and celebrate with those who are going on their first date in years. It's amazing how much people trust you enough to share bits of their lives with you just because you help them manage their finances. This is something I really enjoyed about being a teller and I hope to never forget.

Thoughts

+ I am not immune to disappointment and distress. My life is not perfect. I am willing to share the good times AND the bad, because isn't that what our lives are composed of?

+ I have been thinking lately, that there is a part of us all that wants what another person may have. But in the same respect, that coveted person may also be lacking in an area of your own fullness. For example, you may have been seeking employment for an extended period of time, and your dearest friend has always been able to land the job, and even has the confidence and security to leave one for another. Or, you are happily married and fulfilled in that sense, but a friend may be in a position where they have been seeking relationship and marriage for the longest time, but to no avail. I guess this is how life works.

Lately: Wants

photo via here

Lately, I've been finding myself extremely frustrated with a lot of things. I have mainly been frustrated with situations and circumstances which ultimately is a result of hoping things were different. As time continued to progress, my frustrations have increased, however, I became less aware of what it was that I am frustrated with and more caught up in the fact that I was just  plain miserable. I have then decided to take some time to pin-point and evaluate these frustrations. What is it that and I want, and why I am frustrated that I do not have them. I constructed a list and this is what I have come up with... I want/would like to:

• Begin my career
• it would be nice to invited to an interview for a position and either be offered a position on the spot or even get a phone call that they are offering me a position. That is something I have yet to experience. I love medicine. I enjoy science. I would love to start my career in this field and have joy in teaching others, training others, or even gaining ore knowledge in this field as I go along. 
• Completely furnish and decorate our home.
• after two years of marriage, we finally have a sofa in the living room. One that we paid off on our own and there is no debt behind it. Of this, I am exceptionally thankful and happy about, but I wish we could have every bit of this place furnished and decorated.
• Start a family.
• I don't know, but something about getting married instantly had my heart set on raising children and having a family of our own. It hurts that my husband shies away from 'baby talk', and the longer we go on in our marriage without even as much as a tentative date as to when we will start trying for kids, the more hopeless I become... the more sad and wanting I am when I see other families, other pregnant women. I become bitter and think that it will never happen for us, because right now, my husband says he's not ready. And quite frankly, I guess we're not. 
• Travel.
• I want to take the train across the the U.S. To see the mountains in the midwest, the trees and the waterfall trails in the Pacific Northwest. I want to see my feet standing in clear blue waters in the Caribbean, and walk through soggy fields in Ireland. I want money (or lack thereof) to not be the sole deterrent from going to these places. 
• To be happy. Content. Joyous
• That wanting something (these things specifically) doesn't make me ungrateful or needy in the eyes of others. That people would not look at me and say cliche Christian things like "Well, if it is a part of God's plan for your life, then..." I just want to express what I've had bottled up within me for some time now and just have not had the time to sit down and think about why I have been in such a crappy mood lately. Also to think about what I would really like to accomplish in life.

In the end, I have what I need at the moment and that is enough. It suffices. I am sure that many of my wants will be fulfilled in the not too distant future. 

My Current Testimony

 

Since my Sunday morning devotion, I can not stop thinking about how much the scripture I read applies to where I am now. I read Psalm 27 and the last two verses are what stood out to me the most. It says: 

"I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord.

Why those two verses resonate with me so much spans back to March 2012. I began applying for jobs a couple months before completing my Masters degree in hopes of getting a head start on the job search process (before school ends and everyone else is in the career searching pool). I also wanted to set myself up for any interviews that may have come around my Spring break. I had so many plans on where I would be in life after completing grad school, but the Lord had different plans. You see, I had plans to start my career in laboratory research, start saving towards our wedding, and so much more. The months passed and no jobs were offered and my plans began to shift to counteract the the detour. The more I tried to shift plans, the more they just did not come to fruition. God had something else in mind. We got married that year and everything fell into place seamlessly. We were able to fund our wedding and not be in some ridiculous amount of debt for it. 

Fast-forward to the next year and I'm STILL applying for jobs. I thought 'when I start my career, we will be able to do this, purchase this, furnish here, go there'. Still, no offers in my field. But God supplied a part-time position for me that helped ease the burden of our expenses, allowed for a little getaway for our one year anniversary, and a chance to start furnishing our home piece by piece. 

This year was much of the same. I still had hopes of starting my career, but got nowhere. Interviews are no longer being offered, rejection notices come a lot faster, and you can pretty much see that I am not where I wanted to be. But, we are doing better than we were this time last year, and the Lord has blessed us in many ways since. 

Of course there are many times in between the past couple years that I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. Sadness. Depression. Worthlessness. Yes, even that. After 500+ rejections, you can't help but feel worthless. But through it all, I had one thing to hold on to. More than encouraging words from others and the love and support of my dear husband. More than all of those, I held on the promises of my Lord. Those years built my faith, y'all! Two years ago, I wasn't as strong in my faith. In retrospect, I can see how I would have crumbled and lost hope. I'm not going to lie and say that it's been easy and I went through these years with much grace and acceptance, I did not. There are times when I got frustrated. I questioned God. I challenged Him and asked why did He bring me here. Why all the promises and nothing to show for it after two whole years. I cried before Him. Some days I wept. But always before Him... Knowing that my help comes from Him. Knowing that after all this time of seeking help from this person, and trying to network with another person, nothing came of it. Proving even more that He is in control. 

This may be hard for many of you to understand. You may question why serve a God who doesn't give you what you earnestly desire? Why continue to trust in Him after such a long time of letdowns and disappointments? I don't quite have the answer for you, but I will say that it has a lot to do with faith. As Psalm 27:13 says, "I would have lost heart unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord". It all comes back to faith. Faith in someone who is greater than I am. Someone who has the power to control everything as He wills. And for me, this meant controlling where I go in life. I remember last year I found myself on the floor of our church during worship service saying "Yes! Yes, Lord. Yes". From the very depths of my soul, I said 'Yes'. Whatever God was asking me to do, my soul cried out 'Yes'. 

And so, I hold on to the hope that I will see the fullness of what He has planned for me.  He did not want me to work the past two years. And I am okay with that. My soul says yes to His will and I will continue to press towards Him to find out what He would have me to do. 

Full Circle

I have come to the realization that every. single. thing. we do in life has meaning and purpose. Every person you meet. Everything experience you have. Every hardship. Every struggle. Every bit of joy.

Every thing we have done in our lives at one point or another, all serves the purpose of advising ourselves or others if we were to encounter a similar situation in the future. If you think about it, all that we do in life comes full circle.

So, embrace every experience. Hone every skill. Be kind to everyone you meet. For you do not know when you will be confronted with these situations again.

Life Lately: Between a Rock & a Hard Place

So, this month has been pretty busy and I haven't had much time to sit down and write for this blog. But I could not let the month pass without submitting at least one post, so here goes...

▲ July was a very eventful month. It included my mom and Beau's birthdays, a well-needed staycation from work, a wedding, and a kayaking day trip. It was a month of renewed friendship and increased joy between Beau and I. 

▲ Most of our activities occurred during the week of my staycation and it. was. lovely. The week off from work was well needed, as I have been working there for 8 months now and haven't taken any time off. Also, the company that I work for has rolled out a new system that claims to make work 'more efficient', but has only caused more stress on our end. I mean serious hair-pulling, weight-losing stress! I pull through, though. Knowing that it's only for a couple of hours every day and when I leave to go home, I am able to take a break from it all. 

▲ I submitted my 500th job application not too long ago and it really got me thinking: What am I REALLY doing wrong?! 500 applications submitted since March 2012 (2 months before completing graduate school)! What is really going on?! I started thinking that the academic and professionall skills that I have gained two years ago are kind of stale now (especially since I am not using them in my current position) and this huge gap makes me more and more unmarketable by the day. This led me to consider continuing my studies -- either a doctorate or a certificate degree program. Fun fact: I applied for a 12-week certificate program in Ireland in early April and got accepted not long after. I was elated because for the first time in a long time, I was not rejected for something I went after. I discussed it with Beau and he was willing to part-ways with me for the 3 months if it meant increasing my chances of employment in my field. I also sought opinion from other trusted individuals and they all said go for it as the benefits outweighed the risks. Days later after applying for a small loan, I was rejected... Once more, something I pursued wholeheartedly was shot down. Disappointed and discouraged don't even begin to explain how I felt. I literally feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with this thing. I just don't understand it. Why me? Why am I stuck here? What is really going on?! But I continue pushing with the hopes that one day, it will all work out. 

▲ After facing that last rejection, I really started to question my life and my purpose here on this earth because I literally feel like a waste of breath and life: unable to accomplish anything. Stuck and useless.. I remembered listening to an interview with Misty Edwards where she spoke about her battle with illness and her struggle in determining the purpose of life. She wrote a book all about her findings called "What Is the Point?: Discovering Life's Deeper Meaning and Purpose". It is an easy read and has been helping me thus far. We spend so much of our lives focused on obtaining this great thing, but as Misty Edwards wrote

"Everything in life is on a quick fade... Men love you one minute and ridicule you the next. One year you're cool, and the next you're outdated and old. One season you are successful, and the next you are a failure. This is true in finances, relationships, ministry, impact influence... We cannot anchor our desire for meaning in these things, because it would be like chasing the wind..."

Boy, did I need that reminder! I feel a little better now knowing this, but I still feel unsuccessful at times. I am currently praying for strength and added faith.  

Rainfall

You know what's a little disheartening?

... Putting complete trust in God for something and not getting it. Not only that, but seeing that people who don't believe in or trust in God at all can go after almost anything they want and get it. Or, people who choose to believe in God at their time of distress or in a time of need will get results or be granted some kind of favor in regards to what they were seeking. Yet, I am still stuck in my same position.

Maybe it's this attitude that still has me here. Maybe it's just a personal/individual thing and more is just required of me from the Lord. Maybe I'm just over-thinking this too much. But this is truly how I feel... especially recently.

This feeling does not alter my complete trust in God, but it does make me feel unimportant sometimes... And this is just how I HONESTLY FEEL.

However, Beau reminded me of the scripture in Matthew 5:45 that states: "...for He (God) causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

Also, Psalm 145:9: "The Lord is good to all: and His tender mercies are over all his works."

Hardships and disappointments can often lead to loss of faith, especially in the case of unanswered prayers. Unanswered prayers can seem like you're praying to a dead God. It truly can. But the Lord has proven Himself to me too many times for me to straight-up denounce my faith and His existence. So, I continue to trust. I continue to wait. And when that day of answered prayers comes, this blog will be one of the first means of sharing the news. Why? Because I know that faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God (Romans 4:17). My blog readership is very small, but I do get visitors from all over the world on a day-to-day basis. I want to be an oracle-- a testament of sorts that as a Christian, we have our share of ups and downs. We are by no means perfect and sometimes when things don't go our way (and there will always be a time in our life when things don't go as we wish), if we continue to hope in the Lord, He will smile upon us and bless our faithfulness. So, that is my prayer right now-- more than finally getting a job in my field... more than furnishing our home... more than not having to worry about finances. I pray that I will continue to remain faithful and that my journey may be an encouragement to someone else out there.

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Open Doors

God has opened up a door of employment for me and I am so very grateful. Beau and I are grateful. The job is no where close to my field of study and it's only part-time, but the extra income will help us greatly. When I was offered the position and began submitting paper work and prepping for orientation, it all felt like a dream. Maybe not a dream, but I struggle to find the words to even explain how it felt. I have gone almost two years searching for employment-- 360+ applications submitted  in my field (this is not an exaggeration. I keep track of all of my applications in an Excel Spreadsheet) and countless others not in my field and nothing came from any of it except several interviews here and there. I am entering into my second week of training for this position today and the fog is starting to lift. You guys don't even know what this means for us. We've never struggled to pay mortgage/bills, neither were we ever in need of anything, but it surely got discouraging not having extra money for other important things or even to spend on just a day out sometimes. I truly know that the Lord's hand is in all of this. Many may wonder why God would do such a thing to those He love, but I am beginning to learn why. His ways are past understanding (Romans 11:33). This time has been difficult for Beau and I, but we stuck it out, and God brought us through. 

I am still looking for work in my field. But who knows where this position will take me? Never in my life would I see myself in this position. I am sure that the lessons I will learn from there will be invaluable to me in the future. 

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Lately

Lately, I have been:

Keeping Busy. In the past few weeks, I have been trying to remain busy. I started volunteering with an Inner-city program that teaches kids the Bible through theater arts. It has been pretty good so far. The couple that runs the organization are very sweet. The kids are also equally sweet and funny. I also volunteered at a nursing home where we played BINGO and helped transport the residents to various activities.  All of these opportunities have been lovely and refreshing. I volunteer with four younger girls from my church. We are all apart of a group called Daughters of Destiny. I was recruited to this group not of my own will, but of the interest of the person who birthed the group. I was a bit apprehensive to be a part of this group initially because I felt like I just didn't belong. Firstly, because the other 4 girls are younger than me. Second, the group was established rather recently and it just seemed a bit all over the place and I prefer organization over frenzy. Lastly, I just felt as though I didn't belong. Although the girls are younger than me, they have all been on fire for God all while I feel as though I am in the most secluded waiting place... I am at a crossroads of sorts in discovering the plan God has for my life. But lately, I have received a sort of confirmation that I belong in this group. There is something about the sisterhood that is there. I am the youngest of 3 (2 other sisters) and so I feel as though I get to be a big sister to these girls. They have also blessed me with their lives. Need prayer? They are there to embrace you and pray with such power. I was at my weakest point when I joined the group and they have given me so much strength just through their passion for Christ alone. It is extremely uplifting. 

Trying a new recipe. I am not big on burgers, but I have been dying to try salmon burgers for some time now. I finally tried it and was in love. I used fresh salmon fillets, cubed it, mushed it up a bit, added a ton of seasonings, spices, and dill-- cooked it up and served it with sweet potato fries. It was so delicious! And beau loved it too. I guess you can say that was my first ever Pinterest recipe.

Featured on a blog. This little bloggie of mine has a very small following. Actually, I wouldn't say it has a following at all because based on blog statistics, the majority of the views are from random google searches. However, 2 weeks ago, I got a scare of a lifetime when my blog views more than decupled in one day's time. I thought, oh my goodness. I'm on one of those awful blogger trash-talking sites. I soon realized that I was featured on a blog that I submitted an entry to. I've mentioned only a few times on this blog that I am trying to grow my hair long and healthy again. I have finally been able to do so and decided to share  "My Hair Story" on Just Grow Already, and that is where all the blog hits came from. I am glad I figured it out because it was truly quite a scare. I know that with blogging, you literally place yourself in the public eye especially when you share more than just  pretty photos and generic words. But, I like sharing a little bit more because I know that there is someone out there who can relate and who may find comfort in knowing that they are not the only one facing trials AND that they will make it through. People are emotional beings. We thrive on relationship and being able to relate. I will continue to share those kinds of private-ish posts publicly, but I am only okay sharing it with just a handful of people... 400+ readers? not so much.

 

Working through life. I discovered an amazing artist (Laura Story) recently when I stumbled upon her song, Blessings (click to listen). The lyrics of this song were so profound and hit me so hard. It spoke to my current situation and really made me think: what if? The lyrics read:

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst

This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?

The artist shared the story behind this song here, and what stood out to me the most was that after all that she had gone through, she decided to ask herself "whether we are going to choose to interpret our circumstances based on what we hold to be true about God, or whether we're going to judge what we hold to be true about God based on our circumstances (reference James 1:2-3)".... Such a profound statement/question that has completely changed my perspective on some things in my life.

What have you been up to lately? 

Added Grace

Often times it appears as if this Christian walk is easy and that we are all perfect. We're not. We mess up. We fail. We are completely imperfect. But we find new mercies (Lamentations 3:22-23) and grace from God through Jesus Christ daily. 

The Lord loves us in spite of. He doesn't harbour our past sins and hold them against us. Our trespasses... our transgressions... they are forgiven. Forgotten, even. Let us strive to be forgiving in that same manner. Let us pray and ask for more grace. 

Beau has informed me that I am lacking in the grace area. I was a little sour at the time, but I know it is true. There are certain qualities and actions I don't like in other people, but it actually turns out that sometimes, I commit some of the same faults. I too have some of those less-than favourable qualities. It's funny how we never notice our own shortcomings until someone points them out to us -- and even then, we are in denial. We have to remove the speck of dust from our eye before we can point out the plank in your brother's eye (Matthew 7:3-5). Furthermore, we need to show a little more grace and forgive just as we would like to be forgiven (not bringing up things from the past to fuel current arguments; considering if we have also transgressed a person in the same manner that we are badgering them for, etc.)

I pray that I may show more grace to others, especially to those I love. I am still learning. This life is definitely a process. We are all a process. 

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Like A Flood

photo via

Disappointment strikes again. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I am still saddened after reading the "Thank you.... and best wishes in your career endeavors" email, because I get my hopes up too easily. This was only the third job I've really wanted after an interview and maybe that's why the rejection hurts so bad. 

It's okay, though. 

When one job offer comes, other offers will come in like a flood. 

Of this i'm sure.

Filling Empty Spaces

The bedrooms: the master is full of furniture gifted to us the day before our wedding. It was such a blessing. The closets are full of clothes and shoes that hardly get worn and a music stash evident of a true audiophile.The walls are bare. 

Our Living Room: with the twin set olive green recliners his parents gave us, the off-white loveseat my mom offered to us, and the pink lamp stand I had in grad-school, and the TV extending around the bend to face us during meal time. There’s nothing else in there.

The dining room: with built-in shelves, a painting of The Last Supper that needs to be hung, our first dining room set, and a door that leads to the back deck. There’s nothing else.

Our kitchen: tiny and cozy as can be. The space is narrow. The shelves, though few, are all occupied with small electrical appliances. But, the cupboards are packed, the fridge is full, and we have enough.

This, is our first home. We’ve been looking for the perfect one since 2010. Gave up for a little while and finally found it when the time was right. 

There are some spaces that need filling, but it will come. The means to have all that we desire will come. I often plan in my mind what kinds of painting and pictures we will have strewn across the walls of our house; or the kind of sofa we’ll have in our living room, along with shelves, mirrors, rugs and accent pillows too! I often wonder if we will ever hang the painting of Jesus and His disciples, or find a more visually appealing location for our television. But for now, everything is where it needs to be. Over time we will begin to see the empty spaces filling up and the decoration desires of our heart will be met.

This observation about our home helps me to put things into perspective. Since I moved in, I’ve been thinking of all the things we can do with the living room: once we get rid of the recliners, olive green curtain panels, and pink lampstand. Maybe a neutral colored sofa, with pops of red or yellow... paint that lamp post some metallic color... get a pretty area rug... And not to mention finding some way to build these awesome honeycomb shelves I’ve seen floating around the internet.

I’ve been focused on what I hope to acquire (what I want) and not on what I have now. This is my biggest flaw. I often say here that I am learning or have learned lessons from certain situations in my life and this is no different. I grew up living with excess of all things materialistic. The empty spaces in our home were filled with more shoes. more clothes. more handbags. More. More. More. My mother supported me financially every week right up until my final year of graduate school. If I had a job, it was because I wanted more and not because I was required to have one. I had not yet learned what it was like to be in want. I honestly believe that this is the lesson I am currently being schooled in. Instead of filling up the empty spaces with more things, I needed to fill it up with more of God.

This past year, I have found myself doing just that. I purchased my first study Bible in July 2012 and that has been the best purchase I have ever made in life… way better than 100 pretty dresses. I spent more time in prayer, reading the Bible and understanding the words written on the pages. Doing this has brought so many blessings-- more than money can buy. It has given me more faith, joy, peace, comfort and contentment… And even more so, eternal life through Christ. This is what my spiritual empty space is being filled with.

As for our home, that is another lesson in and of itself. I am learning to be content with what we have now. When our increase comes and we have all that we want, we can look back and see where we've come from and appreciate it even more.

"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth."

~Colossians 3:2~

"...while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 

~2 Corinthians 4:18~

Adjusting

Sunday, February 24th, marked 3 months since beau and I said "I do" and committed our whole lives to each other. It feels a little longer, but time often makes us feel that way.

Marriage life has been lovely thus far. Here’s how we have been adjusting to:

Being in each other’s space/presence. Beau and I have been in a long-distance since we started courting in 2009. I was a junior in a college in New Jersey at the time. Graduated Spring 2010. Then attended grad school in Connecticut from Fall 2010 to Spring 2012. The most time we’ve spent together in each other's presence either consisted of weekend visits to my school on occasion or week-long vacations at his parent's home in Georgia. Although this was the case, we currently are not facing any challenges where being in other’s space is involved. Beau works a normal 40-hour work week while I am home during the days, so that gives us more than enough time to be out of each other’s hair. When we are both home at the same time, we still have a balance between the amount of time spent together. Which brings me to my next point…

Spending time together. As I have stated before, beau and I are apart for a considerable amount of time during the workweek, and so obviously much time is not spent together during that time. When he’s home, most of our time time together is spent during dinner. We aim to eat dinner together every day, even if that means I have to eat at undesirable hours (read: really, really close to bed-time) because he was working late or fasting during the day to deliver a sermon/teaching at church. We have also been trying to spend more time doing things together on weekends. This is a bit of a challenge for the both of us, because I am a loner through and through. It is very easy for us to find ourselves at separate corners of the house on a Saturday doing our own thing. And there are often times when beau comes home from work and I don’t have much to say to him, neither do I desire to say much. This was especially true during the first few weeks to a month after our wedding/honeymoon. I am just so used to being alone from my childhood to even now, that I am accustomed to being by myself with no one to talk to and I am perfectly fine with it. More recently however, doing this drives me mad. This is the push I needed to be more interactive. Beau and I have also discussed “unplugging” on weekends in hopes of spending more time together. Hopefully we’ll try that soon.

Communicating. In terms of sharing our thoughts and ideas on trivial subject matters, beau and I could get shiny award stickers for a job well done. We talk about our days and things that interest us with ease. I also find  that I am able to speak with him about issues that affect me with ease, as I have always been able to do because I trust him and his judgment. Sometimes it takes a while for me to get the thoughts and words out, but I am never terrified of discussing serious matters with him. Our hiccups in communication therefore lies in explanations and understandings. This was the most frustrating thing for me while we were dating and even now. I would explain something in what I thought were the simplest of terms, but he would not understand what I was saying. And for beau, he would explain something to me and his explanation would not make sense. Not for lack of understanding the words, but for lack of understanding or agreeing with the concept. Those are the two major issues we face in our marriage. Well, that and talking about issues that beset us sooner rather than waiting until we feel we’re ready to talk about them. We are learning.

External hardships. I keep hearing from others, ad nauseum, that we will face many hardships. We already know that and have faced many hardships up to our wedding day and even after. Not that we’re “Super Couple” and are able to ‘fight off hardships’, but I think we have just learned to expect them and battle them with grace and humility. Through our marriage, I am learning a lot about handling situations with grace and humility through beau.  I have only recently expressed this to beau, but I really and truly have observed his ways and am taking note. I usually freak out about things. I worry often. I cry lots. I. freak. out. But beau? He is like a gentle soul. I used to look at him and think that he must have some sort of bottled up frustration under all his meekness (and I am sure he does at times), but he doesn’t let it show. Neither does he harp on hardships or problems. He’ll sigh as loud as possible. He’ll have a furrowed brow or will have a discontented disposition about him. He’ll even make up a song about the problem and sing it for 5 minutes straight. But, I have never seen him complain, or worry, or … freak out. I am learning.

 Our overall relationship. Life as a newlywed is not all that it’s cracked up to be in mainstream. It is frustrating. It takes work.  But isn’t everything in life worth having? I have gone through a mixed-bag of emotions since saying “I do”. I found an article while browsing the interwebs one day, and it seriously made me feel better knowing that nothing is wrong with me for feeling the way I felt sometimes during these last 3 months. It was just a shock-to my system, for lack of a better term. But I got jolted back to reality and realized that marriage is such a beautiful thing. You get to share your all of your firsts with this person during this time period. Your first holiday. Your first achievement. Your first disappointment. Your first roadtrip. Your first hmm hmm (haha - yes, we waited until marriage to do this as well). You get to share a life with your best friend. Someone who truly loves and honors you, wants the best for you and puts your needs ahead of their own at all times. Beau is such a God-loving, God-fearing man. I love him for it. Our marriage was meant to be. I was meant to learn from it. I was meant to be broken down and built into a stronger person from it. I am learning and adjusting quite well.