October 2, 2014

My Current Testimony

Psalm 27-13 
Since my Sunday morning devotion, I can not stop thinking about how much the scripture I read applies to where I am now. I read Psalm 27 and the last two verses are what stood out to me the most. It says: 
"I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord.

Why those two verses resonate with me so much spans back to March 2012. I began applying for jobs a couple months before completing my Masters degree in hopes of getting a head start on the job search process (before school ends and everyone else is in the career searching pool). I also wanted to set myself up for any interviews that may have come around my Spring break. I had so many plans on where I would be in life after completing grad school, but the Lord had different plans. You see, I had plans to start my career in laboratory research, start saving towards our wedding, and so much more. The months passed and no jobs were offered and my plans began to shift to counteract the the detour. The more I tried to shift plans, the more they just did not come to fruition. God had something else in mind. We got married that year and everything fell into place seamlessly. We were able to fund our wedding and not be in some ridiculous amount of debt for it. 

Fast-forward to the next year and I'm STILL applying for jobs. I thought 'when I start my career, we will be able to do this, purchase this, furnish here, go there'. Still, no offers in my field. But God supplied a part-time position for me that helped ease the burden of our expenses, allowed for a little getaway for our one year anniversary, and a chance to start furnishing our home piece by piece. 

This year was much of the same. I still had hopes of starting my career, but got nowhere. Interviews are no longer being offered, rejection notices come a lot faster, and you can pretty much see that I am not where I wanted to be. But, we are doing better than we were this time last year, and the Lord has blessed us in many ways since. 

Of course there are many times in between the past couple years that I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. Sadness. Depression. Worthlessness. Yes, even that. After 500+ rejections, you can't help but feel worthless. But through it all, I had one thing to hold on to. More than encouraging words from others and the love and support of my dear husband. More than all of those, I held on the promises of my Lord. Those years built my faith, y'all! Two years ago, I wasn't as strong in my faith. In retrospect, I can see how I would have crumbled and lost hope. I'm not going to lie and say that it's been easy and I went through these years with much grace and acceptance, I did not. There are times when I got frustrated. I questioned God. I challenged Him and asked why did He bring me here. Why all the promises and nothing to show for it after two whole years. I cried before Him. Some days I wept. But always before Him... Knowing that my help comes from Him. Knowing that after all this time of seeking help from this person, and trying to network with another person, nothing came of it. Proving even more that He is in control. 

This may be hard for many of you to understand. You may question why serve a God who doesn't give you what you earnestly desire? Why continue to trust in Him after such a long time of letdowns and disappointments? I don't quite have the answer for you, but I will say that it has a lot to do with faith. As Psalm 27:13 says, "I would have lost heart unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord". It all comes back to faith. Faith in someone who is greater than I am. Someone who has the power to control everything as He wills. And for me, this meant controlling where I go in life. I remember last year I found myself on the floor of our church during worship service saying "Yes! Yes, Lord. Yes". From the very depths of my soul, I said 'Yes'. Whatever God was asking me to do, my soul cried out 'Yes'. 

And so, I hold on to the hope that I will see the fullness of what He has planned for me.  He did not want me to work the past two years. And I am okay with that. My soul says yes to His will and I will continue to press towards Him to find out what He would have me to do. 

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