May 31, 2011

Motherly Connections


I think a certain connection is lost between mother and child when that child has not been reared by their mother for seven years after birth. Reconnection brings about further friction coupled with inexperience, a feeling of a loss of control, abuse, anger, hatred, depression, and separation. Intolerance from one person to the other and vice versa. A complete misunderstanding of each others roles. A complete misunderstanding of power, and how to use it. A complete misunderstanding of boundaries and feelings. A complete misunderstanding...

What is offered instead is what was learned from the mother that was not there. There was no motherly example. There was resentment unexpressed, all in which translated to the future generation of potential mothers.

I do believe, however, that this can all change. People do change. They either realize their maladaptive behaviors have hurt others, or they are awakened by fear of loneliness. Either way, a mother's love never truly dissipates. It is there waiting to reconcile; to pick up the broken piecesl and to try to make good with what little time is left. All the pain that was caused in the previous years still flutters around and remind them of the pain that their own offspring can cause, and how much pain they have caused them. But, if they have a good heart, they are willing to reconnect.

May 29, 2011

Detached


Sometimes, I feel detached from everyone around me. It's like an apathetic feeling comes over me and I could care less about people, their thoughts, or their lives (mainly the ones in my life).
I feel cold.
Soulless.
Disconnected.
Detached.

May 28, 2011

Gone In the Morning



Gone In The Morning 
by Newton Faulkner

I have a set of songs that I have termed "Dance- around- in- your- underwear- songs". This is one of them, and I don't really know why. 

♪ "I'm gonna master all kinds of kung-fu.
I'm gonna live inside a tiny zoo.
I'm gonna grow my self a giant afro. (incredible)
When the alarm goes off i just won't know" ♪

May 25, 2011

Fulfillment

Many of my favorite bloggers are either down-sizing their blogs, changing the format to something more personal, or getting rid of it altogether. I guess they've realized that there is more to life than all the superficial things, like fashion and pretty pictures. Actually, the majority of them have made that statement.

When I really started getting into blogging, I wanted my blog to be just as popular as some of the independent fashion and lifestyle blogs that I subscribe to. I wanted tons of readers and a few sponsors. I quickly came to my senses as I realized that blogs like that require a LOT of work, including posting several times a week, and constantly vying for sponsorship. I couldn't do it. I am quite happy with my little blog. I've said this before in a post written about a month ago, but I am happy with the number of readers I get. I love that my blog is so personal. Although I have readers, I don't feel obligated to post insanely (unless I am compelled to do so) and I don't have to apologize for any absences/hiatus.

Personally, I believe that being a full time blogger would just take the fun out of my hobby, making into somewhat of a full time job.

What do you think? Should bloggers feel obligated to continually update their readers?

May 20, 2011

You Know Nothing


"Until you've known the loving hand that reaches down to a fallen man
And lifts him up from out of sin where he has fallen;
Until you've known just how it feels to know that God is really real;
Then you've known nothing until you've known the love of God."

-- I'm unsure of the composer of this song, but my mom was just singing as she walked through the house. This song  reminds me of the love of God which is way more comforting than anything else. 

May 18, 2011

False Start


Monday, May 16, was supposed to be the first day of my internship. It is now the end of what was supposed to be ‘Day 3’ and I still have not donned my white lab jacket in the breast cancer research lab… Neither have I been in the lab for more than 5 minutes... (ok, lies... 15 minutes.. 20 minutes tops!)

Monday started out as an exciting day for me. I packed a small lunch, my lab jacket, some water and sped drove to the nearest CVS to purchase a bound black and white marble notebook, just in case. I got to the Center (I will be referring to my internship location as such from here on out) just in time… 9am. I went to the Volunteer Office because that is where I was told to report to as soon as I got there. Lo and behold, I was thoroughly shocked and amazed at all the things I needed to have done in order to begin working in the lab. They needed to have a copy of my immunization records. I had to have a PPD (Mantoux) test done to test for tuberculosis.  I had to complete a health care compliance course online. I also had to endure 3 boring hours of orientation, and wait an additional 1 hour+ for my mentors to retrieve me from the surgical waiting room, just outside of the volunteer office.
According to one of the volunteer coordinators, the researchers are “not good with processes”.  She said they’re good with their own work and research and such, but when it comes to preparing their volunteer researchers, they suck at it. Lovely. They clearly did not inform me of all these necessary steps.

So, I was finally able to meet with my two mentors, and the head researcher as they discussed my plans for the summer. We followed that with a tour of the Breast Cancer Research Lab (BCRL), and general information about working there. I got a copy of the BRCL Lab Manual and was told to know it “from A to Z”. One mentor said that with such a straight face, I thought she was serious, which she was… but to an extent. After an overview of the lab and what was expected of me, I was told that I had the option of staying there to start on some of the literature research I have to do. --Remember, two 10-page papers, etc., etc. ? – or coming in the next day and starting fresh. (It was about 2:45pm at that time). I reminded them that I could not start working in the lab until my immunization information was received. Sadly, the Center did not receive those records until LATE this afternoon (thanks, QU… *sigh*). My new start date is now Monday, May 23. 

I’m not at all complaining, however. I am finally getting that break that I would not have had otherwise (driving home from school on Saturday and starting my full-time, 40 hours/week internship two days later). I’ll surely cherish this mini break. 

… And if you haven’t noticed by now, the above image has nothing to do with this post. I just thought it was a cool photo.


May 14, 2011

Goodbye, For Now

The semester has ended. I have successfully completed the first year of my Masters program. Quite a bit has happened in the past few weeks, which I've documented in photos. They kind of tell a story for themselves, but I will also write little blurbs about each set. Overall, I can just say that I am grateful for all that I have learned and encountered within the past school year. I have gained a few friends a small sense of independence, a lesson in budgeting money (kind of), and a wonderful church family.

-- I finally decided to hang out with the guys from last semester's neuro class. We went hiking at Sleeping Giant again, and followed it up with some lunch. It was my first time having dim sum and authentic Chinese food in general. Good times!







I also had to take part in the School of Health Sciences' inter-professional poster day last week Friday. I went through all of it with zero sleep. By the time the poster session ended and I drove home and ate dinner, it had been at least 25 hours since I had last slept (which was a mini-nap I took Thursday afternoon). Needless to say, I completely crashed around 7:30 that evening.




This occupational therapy group was located next to my station. They got a lot of attention because of their demonstrations. I learned so much about their class, their individual project, and their overall assignment just by standing next to them for 3 hours!.. Supposedly, a farmer would be very happy and struggle-free if they were to possess these ergonomic farming tools. 




-- The following day, I went to a Mother's day breakfast at church. I was apprehensive about going fearing that it would be too awkward to be there. One of the women opted to be my "step-mom" (her words). I quickly accepted that title, although I consider her more of a spiritual mother. Breakfast was enjoyable. We had a guest speaker from Gateway International.


Christine and Donna... two of the women I had dinner with a few weeks ago. 

Pauline, my "step mom". 


-- At my last Bible study of the season, they planned a little get-together for me. Applesauce cake, a card, gifts, hugs and a prayer were my parting gifts. I also snapped a photo of everyone. ツ



 
I also think this pic was funny...The ladies as they assembled themselves for a pic.

The school year has come to a close. I bid a temporary farewell to Connecticut today... CT, Goodbye for now. 

May 9, 2011

Closer

 
One week from now, I will begin my volunteer internship at a cancer research facility in Philly. As you may remember from this post, I have contacted a 'whole heap' of research labs in February and March looking for someone to sponsor me for an internship. I wanted the experience more than anything. It is one thing to acquire many college degrees, but it's another to have enough experience to get a job done when/if you are hired. I learned this while applying for laboratory jobs this past school year. Many companies were more interested in hiring someone with a high school diploma and about 6+ years of experience than someone with their BS or MS with no professional experience. I knew I had to do something about it.

I contacted various researchers personally, submitting my academic CV and asking if I could work in their research laboratory during the summer (even if it was just a volunteer position). I got the response from one facility asking me to come in for an interview during my spring break. I went in nervous as all ever, thinking that they might ask me to relay something like the molecular pathway involved in apoptosis.  I met with the the head of the breast cancer research lab, and I honestly believe that he had already made his decision before I got there. He asked why I was interested in cancer research. I explained to him my experience with cancer in one of my family members and all that I have learned about cancer in my classes, news reports, articles, etc. I was really emotional answering his question, but he handed me tissues and said it's okay because it "shows [my] passion for the subject". Without further hesitation, he welcomed me as a full-time volunteer researcher and told me about the team members I would be working with and asked that I had two recommendations sent to him. It all happened so fast that I doubted being accepted. I thought, 'well, maybe he was just giving me an idea of what it would be like to work there, if I were to be accepted'. The following week, I received an email from him listing all of my responsibilities for the summer. Needless to say, I was thoroughly surprised and pretty ecstatic!

So, I begin my internship next week. And with this, I feel as though I am one step closer to my dream of working at a cancer research facility. This summer will be challenging. I will be volunteering full time, with only holidays (Memorial Day and Independence Day) and weekends off. I have two 10-page, single-spaced papers to write, a weekly debriefing meeting with the lab, and a final 20-minute presentation at the end of the summer to discuss what I have accomplished and learned. This will be challenging indeed, but it's what i want.

May 8, 2011

Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours


"Hosanna" by Hillsong

♪ "Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity"

Through self-examination, I found that I am desensitized to a lot of things around me. ... Desensitization is not something I want. Desensitization leads to a lack of discernment and that it was I am yearning for most right now. This song is like a prayer for me.

May 2, 2011

Letters


Dear Mom,
It is going to take more than your crazy Jamaican motherly tactics to drive him away. He's here to stay... he's in it for the long run! Thanks for finally seeing that.

Dear Beau,
I love you more than I can even express or understand. I never thought I would feel this way about a person. You get me! You are caring, kind, patient and completely generous. Most importantly, you love God and are therefore able to show me an abundance of love through Him.

Dear Friend,
Thanks for talking my head off at all hours of the day about any and everything. Thanks for forgiving me for being a "pissy", "nit-picking" friend. I can be pretty rude and stubborn sometimes, so sorry for that also.

Dear Self,
You're growing as an individual. Keep striving to be a better person, daughter, girlfriend, and friend.
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