May 20, 2015

Lately: Wants

Santiago de cuba
photo via here

Lately, I've been finding myself extremely frustrated with a lot of things. I have mainly been frustrated with situations and circumstances which ultimately is a result of hoping things were different. As time continued to progress, my frustrations have increased, however, I became less aware of what it was that I am frustrated with and more caught up in the fact that I was just  plain miserable. I have then decided to take some time to pin-point and evaluate these frustrations. What is it that and I want, and why I am frustrated that I do not have them. I constructed a list and this is what I have come up with... I want/would like to:

  • Begin my career
    • it would be nice to invited to an interview for a position and either be offered a position on the spot or even get a phone call that they are offering me a position. That is something I have yet to experience. I love medicine. I enjoy science. I would love to start my career in this field and have joy in teaching others, training others, or even gaining ore knowledge in this field as I go along. 
  • Completely furnish and decorate our home.
    • after two years of marriage, we finally have a sofa in the living room. One that we paid off on our own and there is no debt behind it. Of this, I am exceptionally thankful and happy about, but I wish we could have every bit of this place furnished and decorated.
  • Start a family.
    • I don't know, but something about getting married instantly had my heart set on raising children and having a family of our own. It hurts that my husband shies away from 'baby talk', and the longer we go on in our marriage without even as much as a tentative date as to when we will start trying for kids, the more hopeless I become... the more sad and wanting I am when I see other families, other pregnant women. I become bitter and think that it will never happen for us, because right now, my husband says he's not ready. And quite frankly, I guess we're not. 
  • Travel.
    • I want to take the train across the the U.S. To see the mountains in the midwest, the trees and the waterfall trails in the Pacific Northwest. I want to see my feet standing in clear blue waters in the Caribbean, and walk through soggy fields in Ireland. I want money (or lack thereof) to not be the sole deterrent from going to these places. 
  • To be happy. Content. Joyous
  • That wanting something (these things specifically) doesn't make me ungrateful or needy in the eyes of others. That people would not look at me and say cliche Christian things like "Well, if it is a part of God's plan for your life, then..." I just want to express what I've had bottled up within me for some time now and just have not had the time to sit down and think about why I have been in such a crappy mood lately. Also to think about what I would really like to accomplish in life.
In the end, I have what I need at the moment and that is enough. It suffices. I am sure that many of my wants will be fulfilled in the not too distant future. 

1 comment:

  1. THIS! I hate mentioning my wants, I feel like I'm being selfish. Yet its important to name this desires, its important we own our feelings; whether they are joy or bitterness. This is how we learn to be in better relationship with ourselves, our spouses and our God....Jeez this life thing is rough


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