July 31, 2014

Life Lately: Between a Rock & a Hard Place


So, this month has been pretty busy and I haven't had much time to sit down and write for this blog. But I could not let the month pass without submitting at least one post, so here goes...

 July was a very eventful month. It included my mom and Beau's birthdays, a well-needed staycation from work, a wedding, and a kayaking day trip. It was a month of renewed friendship and increased joy between Beau and I. 

 Most of our activities occurred during the week of my staycation and it. was. lovely. The week off from work was well needed, as I have been working there for 8 months now and haven't taken any time off. Also, the company that I work for has rolled out a new system that claims to make work 'more efficient', but has only caused more stress on our end. I mean serious hair-pulling, weight-losing stress! I pull through, though. Knowing that it's only for a couple of hours every day and when I leave to go home, I am able to take a break from it all. 

 I submitted my 500th job application not too long ago and it really got me thinking: What am I REALLY doing wrong?! 500 applications submitted since March 2012 (2 months before completing graduate school)! What is really going on?! I started thinking that the academic and professionall skills that I have gained two years ago are kind of stale now (especially since I am not using them in my current position) and this huge gap makes me more and more unmarketable by the day. This led me to consider continuing my studies -- either a doctorate or a certificate degree program. Fun fact: I applied for a 12-week certificate program in Ireland in early April and got accepted not long after. I was elated because for the first time in a long time, I was not rejected for something I went after. I discussed it with Beau and he was willing to part-ways with me for the 3 months if it meant increasing my chances of employment in my field. I also sought opinion from other trusted individuals and they all said go for it as the benefits outweighed the risks. Days later after applying for a small loan, I was rejected... Once more, something I pursued wholeheartedly was shot down. Disappointed and discouraged don't even begin to explain how I felt. I literally feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with this thing. I just don't understand it. Why me? Why am I stuck here? What is really going on?! But I continue pushing with the hopes that one day, it will all work out. 

 After facing that last rejection, I really started to question my life and my purpose here on this earth because I literally feel like a waste of breath and life: unable to accomplish anything. Stuck and useless.. I remembered listening to an interview with Misty Edwards where she spoke about her battle with illness and her struggle in determining the purpose of life. She wrote a book all about her findings called "What Is the Point?: Discovering Life's Deeper Meaning and Purpose". It is an easy read and has been helping me thus far. We spend so much of our lives focused on obtaining this great thing, but as Misty Edwards wrote
"Everything in life is on a quick fade... Men love you one minute and ridicule you the next. One year you're cool, and the next you're outdated and old. One season you are successful, and the next you are a failure. This is true in finances, relationships, ministry, impact influence... We cannot anchor our desire for meaning in these things, because it would be like chasing the wind..."
Boy, did I need that reminder! I feel a little better now knowing this, but I still feel unsuccessful at times. I am currently praying for strength and added faith.  

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