September 1, 2015

lately... in photos

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// Beau leading the teen class at Vacation Bible School 

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// Family breakfast

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//  My brother-in-love's wedding reception - very small, very intimate. Loved it! 

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// Beau's birthday dinner

  Classic Cars || Havertown, PA
//   Classic Car Fridays in Havertown. Every other Friday during the summer months, a group of classic car enthusiasts gather in the parking lot of a shopping plaza to chat.

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//   Banquets and disgruntled waiters.

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// Franklin Fountain... old fashioned ice cream spot in Old City Philadelphia. SO good!

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// hanging out with my younger self reincarnate. Rekindled my childhood love of roller skating. 

August 18, 2015

Thoughts

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+ I am not immune to disappointment and distress. My life is not perfect. I am willing to share the good times AND the bad, because isn't that what our lives are composed of?

+ I have been thinking lately, that there is a part of us all that wants what another person may have. But in the same respect, that coveted person may also be lacking in an area of your own fullness. For example, you may have been seeking employment for an extended period of time, and your dearest friend has always been able to land the job, and even has the confidence and security to leave one for another. Or, you are happily married and fulfilled in that sense, but a friend may be in a position where they have been seeking relationship and marriage for the longest time, but to no avail. I guess this is how life works.

July 8, 2015

A Sprinkle of Self-Confidence

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There are days when I look in the mirror and the face looking back at me brings so many negative thoughts. 

Although I grew up as a quiet and soft-spoken child, I never thought it had anything to do with self-confidence or a lack thereof. In fact, I did not start finding faults with my features until my (apparently) very noticeable flaw was pointed out to me in the 7th grade. I was riding the school bus home, and this kid who was younger than I was kept making silly faces. So, I imitated him and made silly faces back. He then said to me "How did you make your eyes do that?!" 'What?', I thought to myself. I had no clue what he meant. When I got home that day, I rushed to the mirror in my bedroom and was faced with the truth of what he questioned. I had a lazy eye. (I actually detest that term. I prefer to call it by it's medically correct name-- exotropia). I started wearing glasses when I was 7 years old. During that time I endured patching and vision therapy. I did not know why I had to go through these therapies other than the fact that the vision in my right eye was weaker than my left. It was not until that day that I realized why the vision in my left eye was weaker. Since my right eye drifted outward, it did not work in-synch with the left. All of my vision strength relied on this 'good' eye, therefore causing the right one to become weaker and weaker and drift further out. I think this is the day my battle with self-confidence began. I never looked anyone in the eyes. I almost always held my head down. This was because the older I got, the more mean people seemed to have gotten mean about it. They somehow would never know if I was talking to them because my eyes were facing different directions.. They were uncomfortable speaking to me and it made me uncomfortable interacting with them. 

Freshman year of college, I had enough. The guys were mean! I hated life. I still remember the evening I called my mother in a bout of tears begging her to get the eye-alignment surgery (a surgery where they cut and restitched the loose eye muscle). I think she felt bad for me, and agreed. I got that surgery about a week before my 19th birthday-- right before winter break was over. My eyes were blood red in the first couple days, but when they finally started to heal, I got a new-found confidence. I enjoyed being in photos. I wasn't afraid to make eye contact. I just felt better about myself. That surgery - although it was cosmetic and did nothing for the underlying vision problem - was the best thing that happened to me because of the way it changed the way I feel about myself. 

Fast forward to today, where my self-confidence is bottled up under many of my current physical traits (i.e. breakouts, weight gain, and my eye turn coming back,). I still struggle with  'feeling pretty'. I struggle with looking at other women and wishing I looked like them or had their {enter beautiful trait here}. But there are days when I can look in the mirror and say, "ha! you don't look half bad today, Jhan". And then I smile and snap a selfie.

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