May 25, 2014

Darkness ----> Light

Belmont Stable

When it rains, it pours.

I don't know how it happened, but I found myself in a deep depression the last couple weeks and it consumed me. I mean all of me was consumed by a heaviness that could not be lifted.

I first became aware of it during lunch one day. I started crying. I went to the bathroom to wipe the tears away and plaster a smile back on to my face before going back on to the teller line, but the tears kept rolling. Next thing I knew, I was telling my supervisor that I will be back in two hours time. I told her everything was okay, walked out of the bank, swiftly to my car and drove away as quickly as possible. I had no idea where I was going, but I hoped it ended in a life-ending crash. I ended up just driving to the end of the shopping center where I worked and balled my eyes out. I contemplated several ways of ending my life. Something that would be swift and painless. All options had possibilities of not going as planned, so I ended up crying more.

I felt like no one cared about me. I felt like I had no one to talk to, not even my husband. I felt stuck and tired of my current disposition. I was tired of life and living it.

Then something happened. A peace came over me. All suicidal thoughts left and all that was left was an empty mind, but one still full of sadness. I thought about how ending my life would leave me in a greater hell than the one I felt as though I was already facing. It wasn't worth it.

Within an hour, I drove back over to work and walked in with my head held high. I still felt down, but tried not to focus on it. But the more I tried not to "focus on it", the more it was there. And it stung. I mean, really stung. Like alcohol burning the eyes, it really hurt. I felt lost and alone and sad all the more because I felt like no one cared. In that moment, it made sense why so many people are depressed and it goes unnoticed until after they have taken their own lives. Maybe it was just how I was feeling at the time, but I honestly think that people are so caught up in their own lives and their own little worlds that they don't even notice when someone (albeit someone really close to them) is hurting. And with that loneliness, the depression gets heavier and heavier and weighs you down even more.

When it rained, it really poured for me the last few weeks. I was facing a really dark time. And through all of that, I am glad to have had some faith in my God. That is what has kept me through that hard time. Though He felt distant and unreachable, a part of me knew He was still there... I just couldn't feel Him. It is then that we have to have faith that even though we do not feel Him, He is still there. And believe me, there are many times when we won't feel like God is there. But he is ever-present-- omnipresent. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us.

I still can't say what brought me to such a dark place, but I pray that it all goes away and light takes its' place. I wasn't meant for darkness.

May 5, 2014

Life, Lately

528

It's been over a month since my last post! So here goes with an update...  I have certainly been busy, but not too busy that I don't have time to sit down and relax sometimes. Nothing new really happening, just rolling with the punches and accepting and living life as time passes by. Here's what I've been up to lately:

Work has been okay. It's not my favorite thing in the world, but there are days that I really love. My coworkers are okay for the most part and some of the regular customers are great. There is always someone there to put a smile on my face, and I have also been told that I put smile on other people's faces as well, so that is definitely a plus.

Wishing for a mild summer. I know that after this hectic winter we've just had, most people are looking forward to a hot summer. I am not. I hope for something mild. 70 to 85 degrees the most.

Watching period dramas. I've become obsessed with BBC's drama, Call the Midwife. It is set in East London in the 1950s. As you can imagine, you see a lot of screaming mothers and babies being born. But aside from that, you also see great characters, like the nun who loves eating cake and also seems to have a bit of dementia and Chummy, who is a giant with a heart of gold.  The show comes on PBS right before Mr. Selfridge (which I also love). I found out about it a couple days before season 2 of Selfridge was to begin and got through the first 2 seasons on Netflix in less than a week. Yea. It's that good!... to me at least.

Reading The Antelope in the Living Room. I saw this book in someone's instagram photo and looked it up immediately. What stuck out to me the most was that it was a book about marriage, written by a blogger who's Christian (Big Mama's her name). I'm at the stage in my marriage where I welcome almost anything that can give me a somewhat realistic view of marriage. So far, so good. I find comfort in knowing that some of the things Beau does and some of the feelings I have are perfectly normal.

Life. I am going to be honest and admit that I often go through bouts of frustration and depression. I understand that after some time, life pulls you into a routine that can easily wear you out and bring you down. My routine is pretty draining because the majority of it involves doing work that I don't particularly enjoy doing. I hate pushing offering credit cards on people, and I just really dislike banking. But over time, I've learned to take what life has offered me and just go with it-- Do my job to the best of my abilities with little to no complaints, and continue striving for a means to start my career. I still wonder if there is something I'm doing wrong why I seem to be stuck here in this waiting place, but in the mean time, I try to do what's required of me the best that I can and I try to evaluate everything that I do and go about completing each task with a good attitude. Because honestly, I don't want to be in this place, but I'm here. So while I am here, I will make the best of it until I am able to move on to something greater.


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