Journaling + Sharing Some Thoughts

 

 I began 'journaling' around this time last year. It started as a means of recording some things that the Lord had revealed to me during my personal time of devotion: promises, truths, understanding, and revelation. I then started including some prayers and hopes for this life of mine and more recently, some of the frustrations I feel as I walk this Christian pathway. Within the pages are some DEEP cries of disappointments and questioning. Not really questioning who God is, but why He does things a certain way.

 I began reading the book of Ruth recently, and what captivated me in the first chapter was Naomi's name change. As a bit of background, Naomi was the mother-in-law of Ruth. She had moved (out of Israel) to a foreign country with her husband and sons who had also married the foreign women. Naomi's husband died and then a few years later, both of her sons also died leaving Naomi and her two daughter-in-laws widowed. Times were hard for widows in those times, so Naomi's response was pretty much relative to what our modern day response would be to such a tragedy: bitterness and questioning. She changed her name to "Mara", saying that it was because "the Lord has dealt bitterly with [her]". And if saying it once was not enough, she reiterated it again saying "I went out full and the Lord hath brought me home again empty... the Lord hath testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me" (Ruth 1:21).

 As I read these words that Naomi spoke, I completely empathized with her grief. Although our circumstances are obviously different, I often feel as though God has somehow chosen to make me miserable. Now, don't get me wrong. I wholly believe in God and His sovereignty. I believe that He owns everything upon this earth and I also believe that everything that happens, occurs because He allowed it to. With that being said, I have earnestly felt that the Lord has dealt treacherously with me these past three years. I have no idea why and I hate it so much. But the part that is so conflicting in all of this is my sheer belief in and love for this God, this father... the one, Jesus Christ has denied me of something I so earnestly desire. Many people often question the goodness of God when faced with tragedy and hardships, but theirs is with a bitter tongue. I do not doubt God, His sovereignty or His wisdom. I just want to know why.

My Current Testimony

 

Since my Sunday morning devotion, I can not stop thinking about how much the scripture I read applies to where I am now. I read Psalm 27 and the last two verses are what stood out to me the most. It says: 

"I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord.

Why those two verses resonate with me so much spans back to March 2012. I began applying for jobs a couple months before completing my Masters degree in hopes of getting a head start on the job search process (before school ends and everyone else is in the career searching pool). I also wanted to set myself up for any interviews that may have come around my Spring break. I had so many plans on where I would be in life after completing grad school, but the Lord had different plans. You see, I had plans to start my career in laboratory research, start saving towards our wedding, and so much more. The months passed and no jobs were offered and my plans began to shift to counteract the the detour. The more I tried to shift plans, the more they just did not come to fruition. God had something else in mind. We got married that year and everything fell into place seamlessly. We were able to fund our wedding and not be in some ridiculous amount of debt for it. 

Fast-forward to the next year and I'm STILL applying for jobs. I thought 'when I start my career, we will be able to do this, purchase this, furnish here, go there'. Still, no offers in my field. But God supplied a part-time position for me that helped ease the burden of our expenses, allowed for a little getaway for our one year anniversary, and a chance to start furnishing our home piece by piece. 

This year was much of the same. I still had hopes of starting my career, but got nowhere. Interviews are no longer being offered, rejection notices come a lot faster, and you can pretty much see that I am not where I wanted to be. But, we are doing better than we were this time last year, and the Lord has blessed us in many ways since. 

Of course there are many times in between the past couple years that I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. Sadness. Depression. Worthlessness. Yes, even that. After 500+ rejections, you can't help but feel worthless. But through it all, I had one thing to hold on to. More than encouraging words from others and the love and support of my dear husband. More than all of those, I held on the promises of my Lord. Those years built my faith, y'all! Two years ago, I wasn't as strong in my faith. In retrospect, I can see how I would have crumbled and lost hope. I'm not going to lie and say that it's been easy and I went through these years with much grace and acceptance, I did not. There are times when I got frustrated. I questioned God. I challenged Him and asked why did He bring me here. Why all the promises and nothing to show for it after two whole years. I cried before Him. Some days I wept. But always before Him... Knowing that my help comes from Him. Knowing that after all this time of seeking help from this person, and trying to network with another person, nothing came of it. Proving even more that He is in control. 

This may be hard for many of you to understand. You may question why serve a God who doesn't give you what you earnestly desire? Why continue to trust in Him after such a long time of letdowns and disappointments? I don't quite have the answer for you, but I will say that it has a lot to do with faith. As Psalm 27:13 says, "I would have lost heart unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord". It all comes back to faith. Faith in someone who is greater than I am. Someone who has the power to control everything as He wills. And for me, this meant controlling where I go in life. I remember last year I found myself on the floor of our church during worship service saying "Yes! Yes, Lord. Yes". From the very depths of my soul, I said 'Yes'. Whatever God was asking me to do, my soul cried out 'Yes'. 

And so, I hold on to the hope that I will see the fullness of what He has planned for me.  He did not want me to work the past two years. And I am okay with that. My soul says yes to His will and I will continue to press towards Him to find out what He would have me to do. 

Life Lately: Between a Rock & a Hard Place

So, this month has been pretty busy and I haven't had much time to sit down and write for this blog. But I could not let the month pass without submitting at least one post, so here goes...

▲ July was a very eventful month. It included my mom and Beau's birthdays, a well-needed staycation from work, a wedding, and a kayaking day trip. It was a month of renewed friendship and increased joy between Beau and I. 

▲ Most of our activities occurred during the week of my staycation and it. was. lovely. The week off from work was well needed, as I have been working there for 8 months now and haven't taken any time off. Also, the company that I work for has rolled out a new system that claims to make work 'more efficient', but has only caused more stress on our end. I mean serious hair-pulling, weight-losing stress! I pull through, though. Knowing that it's only for a couple of hours every day and when I leave to go home, I am able to take a break from it all. 

▲ I submitted my 500th job application not too long ago and it really got me thinking: What am I REALLY doing wrong?! 500 applications submitted since March 2012 (2 months before completing graduate school)! What is really going on?! I started thinking that the academic and professionall skills that I have gained two years ago are kind of stale now (especially since I am not using them in my current position) and this huge gap makes me more and more unmarketable by the day. This led me to consider continuing my studies -- either a doctorate or a certificate degree program. Fun fact: I applied for a 12-week certificate program in Ireland in early April and got accepted not long after. I was elated because for the first time in a long time, I was not rejected for something I went after. I discussed it with Beau and he was willing to part-ways with me for the 3 months if it meant increasing my chances of employment in my field. I also sought opinion from other trusted individuals and they all said go for it as the benefits outweighed the risks. Days later after applying for a small loan, I was rejected... Once more, something I pursued wholeheartedly was shot down. Disappointed and discouraged don't even begin to explain how I felt. I literally feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with this thing. I just don't understand it. Why me? Why am I stuck here? What is really going on?! But I continue pushing with the hopes that one day, it will all work out. 

▲ After facing that last rejection, I really started to question my life and my purpose here on this earth because I literally feel like a waste of breath and life: unable to accomplish anything. Stuck and useless.. I remembered listening to an interview with Misty Edwards where she spoke about her battle with illness and her struggle in determining the purpose of life. She wrote a book all about her findings called "What Is the Point?: Discovering Life's Deeper Meaning and Purpose". It is an easy read and has been helping me thus far. We spend so much of our lives focused on obtaining this great thing, but as Misty Edwards wrote

"Everything in life is on a quick fade... Men love you one minute and ridicule you the next. One year you're cool, and the next you're outdated and old. One season you are successful, and the next you are a failure. This is true in finances, relationships, ministry, impact influence... We cannot anchor our desire for meaning in these things, because it would be like chasing the wind..."

Boy, did I need that reminder! I feel a little better now knowing this, but I still feel unsuccessful at times. I am currently praying for strength and added faith.  

Rainfall

You know what's a little disheartening?

... Putting complete trust in God for something and not getting it. Not only that, but seeing that people who don't believe in or trust in God at all can go after almost anything they want and get it. Or, people who choose to believe in God at their time of distress or in a time of need will get results or be granted some kind of favor in regards to what they were seeking. Yet, I am still stuck in my same position.

Maybe it's this attitude that still has me here. Maybe it's just a personal/individual thing and more is just required of me from the Lord. Maybe I'm just over-thinking this too much. But this is truly how I feel... especially recently.

This feeling does not alter my complete trust in God, but it does make me feel unimportant sometimes... And this is just how I HONESTLY FEEL.

However, Beau reminded me of the scripture in Matthew 5:45 that states: "...for He (God) causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

Also, Psalm 145:9: "The Lord is good to all: and His tender mercies are over all his works."

Hardships and disappointments can often lead to loss of faith, especially in the case of unanswered prayers. Unanswered prayers can seem like you're praying to a dead God. It truly can. But the Lord has proven Himself to me too many times for me to straight-up denounce my faith and His existence. So, I continue to trust. I continue to wait. And when that day of answered prayers comes, this blog will be one of the first means of sharing the news. Why? Because I know that faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God (Romans 4:17). My blog readership is very small, but I do get visitors from all over the world on a day-to-day basis. I want to be an oracle-- a testament of sorts that as a Christian, we have our share of ups and downs. We are by no means perfect and sometimes when things don't go our way (and there will always be a time in our life when things don't go as we wish), if we continue to hope in the Lord, He will smile upon us and bless our faithfulness. So, that is my prayer right now-- more than finally getting a job in my field... more than furnishing our home... more than not having to worry about finances. I pray that I will continue to remain faithful and that my journey may be an encouragement to someone else out there.

photo via

Darkness ----> Light

When it rains, it pours.

I don't know how it happened, but I found myself in a deep depression the last couple weeks and it consumed me. I mean all of me was consumed by a heaviness that could not be lifted.

I first became aware of it during lunch one day. I started crying. I went to the bathroom to wipe the tears away and plaster a smile back on to my face before going back on to the teller line, but the tears kept rolling. Next thing I knew, I was telling my supervisor that I will be back in two hours time. I told her everything was okay, walked out of the bank, swiftly to my car and drove away as quickly as possible. I had no idea where I was going, but I hoped it ended in a life-ending crash. I ended up just driving to the end of the shopping center where I worked and balled my eyes out. I contemplated several ways of ending my life. Something that would be swift and painless. All options had possibilities of not going as planned, so I ended up crying more.

I felt like no one cared about me. I felt like I had no one to talk to, not even my husband. I felt stuck and tired of my current disposition. I was tired of life and living it.

Then something happened. A peace came over me. All suicidal thoughts left and all that was left was an empty mind, but one still full of sadness. I thought about how ending my life would leave me in a greater hell than the one I felt as though I was already facing. It wasn't worth it.

Within an hour, I drove back over to work and walked in with my head held high. I still felt down, but tried not to focus on it. But the more I tried not to "focus on it", the more it was there. And it stung. I mean, really stung. Like alcohol burning the eyes, it really hurt. I felt lost and alone and sad all the more because I felt like no one cared. In that moment, it made sense why so many people are depressed and it goes unnoticed until after they have taken their own lives. Maybe it was just how I was feeling at the time, but I honestly think that people are so caught up in their own lives and their own little worlds that they don't even notice when someone (albeit someone really close to them) is hurting. And with that loneliness, the depression gets heavier and heavier and weighs you down even more.

When it rained, it really poured for me the last few weeks. I was facing a really dark time. And through all of that, I am glad to have had some faith in my God. That is what has kept me through that hard time. Though He felt distant and unreachable, a part of me knew He was still there... I just couldn't feel Him. It is then that we have to have faith that even though we do not feel Him, He is still there. And believe me, there are many times when we won't feel like God is there. But he is ever-present-- omnipresent. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us.

I still can't say what brought me to such a dark place, but I pray that it all goes away and light takes its' place. I wasn't meant for darkness.

Repeated Lessons

Ever felt like life was trying to teach you a lesson? But you weren't quite getting it, so you kept getting hit with the same circumstance over and over again until you not only realize that you are indeed facing the same thing repeatedly, but you also ponder why on earth can't I get past this? Yea. That.

That is how I truly feel being unemployed. I get interviews. I progress to the next step. Then, the letdown. the sadness. the frustration. the self pity. the question: where are you God in all of this?

It took me a while to get here, but I've finally made it. And now I just wait. I wait on the Lord because I've come to the realization that He is my help. He is my provider. He created me and knew me from conception and if He is such an all-knowing God, He must know what my heart desires. I've got that part down. It's the patience and faith part that I am still working on.

I compare myself-- ourselves, Beau and I-- to other young married couples a lot (mostly bloggers, because honestly, I don't have a community of other young married couples here with me to compare ourselves to). But I compare us to them alot. Mostly in the sense that they have this nice thing, they have that nice thing, they get to go here, do this, do that... I compare us to them a lot and I often wonder, why don't we have this? The answer came to me while having my devotion one morning last week. The Lord lead me to read Hebrews 13:5 which states "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." What  a comforting promise and a stern reminder to stop the comparison game. I admit, it is something I do so often. Not just because I'm a nutcase and I like to compare myself to people that I don't know, but because I desire so much. I have such hopes and dreams for our home... for starting my career and working at a place that I love... and even more so, starting our family with a little bebe. I have. such. hope.

But there is obviously some lesson I am just not grasping during this waiting season. Maybe it's not having enough faith. Maybe it's being content with what I have. Whatever it is, I felt I got a little reminder when I read through Hebrews again for the umpteenth time since this waiting season began. Having faith and contentment is what stood out to me most when reading it this time around and I truly believe this is my repeated life lesson. When will I finally pass?

Premier

Last weekend we drove down to Ocean City, MD with our church to attend Premier Winterfest. Winterfest is sort of like a convention for young Christians (mostly teens and young adults). It was my first time attending something like this, although I vaguely remember going to Summerfest when I was in high school. Our church went last year and many of the young people came back on fire for God. It was no different this year. I too am refreshed from this experience. It was so beautiful seeing a huge auditorium full of teens and young adults raising their hands up in worship to the Lord. I wish I had this attitude and spirit when I was that age. Who knows where I would be now. I do enjoy the process I went through to get where I am now though. Everyone has to have their own story... their own process. Still,it was also a great time to fellowship with some of the younger people from our church. Beau thought it was a good idea for us to interact with them on a one on one level and I can truly say that I enjoyed it.

That weekend was also the first time I got to fully test out my DSLR. I can honestly say that I got some beautiful shots from it, but there is still so much to learn. Here are some photos from the event:

 

Open Doors

God has opened up a door of employment for me and I am so very grateful. Beau and I are grateful. The job is no where close to my field of study and it's only part-time, but the extra income will help us greatly. When I was offered the position and began submitting paper work and prepping for orientation, it all felt like a dream. Maybe not a dream, but I struggle to find the words to even explain how it felt. I have gone almost two years searching for employment-- 360+ applications submitted  in my field (this is not an exaggeration. I keep track of all of my applications in an Excel Spreadsheet) and countless others not in my field and nothing came from any of it except several interviews here and there. I am entering into my second week of training for this position today and the fog is starting to lift. You guys don't even know what this means for us. We've never struggled to pay mortgage/bills, neither were we ever in need of anything, but it surely got discouraging not having extra money for other important things or even to spend on just a day out sometimes. I truly know that the Lord's hand is in all of this. Many may wonder why God would do such a thing to those He love, but I am beginning to learn why. His ways are past understanding (Romans 11:33). This time has been difficult for Beau and I, but we stuck it out, and God brought us through. 

I am still looking for work in my field. But who knows where this position will take me? Never in my life would I see myself in this position. I am sure that the lessons I will learn from there will be invaluable to me in the future. 

photo via

My Faith Story

I guess you can say that I grew up in the church. I sang on the choir. I played Gabriel in the Christmas pageant every year until I was too tall to blend in with the younger 'angels'. I was meek. I was quiet. I was just an all around "good kid".

When I was in the 7th grade, I decided that I wanted to get baptized. I'm not even sure what got into to me to want to be baptized. I don't remember the exact date like most people do, but I do remember the day after like it was yesterday. As I was riding on the bus to school, I felt different. I no longer wanted to do the things that the other kids did. I remember a consciousness of sorts in my mind that "I am baptized now. I have to be different. I have to live like a Christian should live" -- whatever that meant. I wasn't quite sure what it meant at the time. I just knew that cursing and thinking bad of people just wasn't the way to be. My pressing conscience was seared soon after. I stopped having a pressing conscience, but I always strived to be "good" to the best of my abilities.

During my high school years, I faced some really discouraging times (which I will write more about in a future  Testimony post) and I got myself into an inappropriate relationship at the age of 17. That secret became exposed. My mom was absolutely livid and it seems as if my reputation was marred in the sight of my church members. I felt judged and unloved by many of the members there. After some time, I began hating church and everything about it. I hated the stares. I hated the whispers. I hated the judgmental spirits. The things mothers said to their daughters about me indirectly, but loud enough for me to hear. I hated how hypocritical the people were. I could not wait to get away from there and head to college in hopes of never returning.

I went to college with a freedom in my heart that I was free and can and will do whatever I wanted. I went to college with that liberation mindset, but sill had a bit of conscience  left. And with that bit of conscience, I sought out a church and I chose to live on a substance-free floor my freshman year of college. I lived pure that entire year with the exception of a party every couple weekends or so. With the start of college, I thought I had gotten away from my home church for good, but during school breaks, I had no where to go or stay but home. My mom always went to church on Sundays, so I never got out of attending service. Nothing changed when I went back to my home church. I still felt rather bitter towards the members and I still felt as though they could not look past my mistake. I felt like they didn't love me

The next couple years in college. I moved from the freshman substance-free floor to a dorm with upper classmen and I found friends. Other than the one church service I attended freshman year, I never attended church again during the months I spent away at university.  I became more open to trying things and got into drinking and partying with my friends just about every weekend. My conscience was still there however because I would never go more than one or two days without praying. (Ever since I was a child, I found that if I did not pray before going to sleep, I would have nightmares at night. This fear of nightmares caused me to keep a line of communication between God and I-- even though I had no relationship with Him outside of it).

At the start of the Spring semester of my Junior year in college (January 2009), I began talking to my sweet Beau. He shared his personal testimony, and something about it spoke to my heart. I found myself wanting less of partying and drinking with my friends. Whenever my friends and I went out, I found myself bored to the point of wanting to fall asleep (seriously!). I still mingled with them though. I never quite knew how to just drop friends or explain to them why I no longer desired to do the things they were doing. A part of me wanted to live pure and clean for the Lord and to allow my relationship with Beau to blossom, while the other part of me also wanted to continue doing what my friends were doing for fear of having to explain 'why not?'.

Fast-forward to 2010 when I finally graduated college and started graduate school in Connecticut. I felt like I was finally able to live a clean, pure life. I searched for a church the day that I moved in and attended it the very next day. As I walked through the door and into the entry way, a woman there greeted me with great smile and a big hug. And as I entered the sanctuary, everyone greeted me with a smile and a handshake/hug. I left there thinking two things:

(1) 'Wow. Beau and I were about 2 out of 4 Black persons in that church today'...

(2) "Wow.... those people were so warm and loving."

Weeks went by. I fell more and more in love with the church. The service was shorter than I was used to (I attend a Caribbean Pentecostal Church-- so, you know), but every sermon seemed to have sparked my interest and left me wanting more. I found myself wanting to attend just about every mid-week service; if not to learn more about the Word of God, then to bask in the fellowship of these loving people. My heart was so full. These people, who did not know me from a can of paint, accepted me into their church and loved me. They invited me to their homes for casual dinners, annual holiday parties, Christmas brunch, Thanksgiving dinner, etc. They prayed with me and for me. One person even prophesied over my life that very first day I was there.

My time at Cornerstone Church ended after grad school and I moved back home. I received a gift card as a graduation gift and used part of it to purchase a Study Bible. I bought it thinking that I need to read the Bible more and since I was having a hard time trying to find a job, it also gave me something to do. I started reading it and discovered truths about the Bible I had never known before. I was able to fill in the blanks to  Bible stories I had heard about as a child, but never knew in full detail. I read through Genesis for the first time ever, and then embarked on also reading through Exodus. As I got to Exodus 6:2-3, I broke down into tears. It says:

2 And God spoke to Moses and said to him: “I am the Lord. 3 I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, as God Almighty, but by My name Lord I was not known to them.

You see, God has always been that all-powerful, all-mighty being to me. I recognized this when I decided to get baptized in the 7th grade. I knew this when I had a conscience regarding doing right and wrong. I knew it when I prayed to Him only to keep my nightmares at bay. I even knew this when I sought a church while attending university. I knew this. I understood and accepted that He is God. That He not only exists, but He is worthy enough to be deserving of obedience and powerful enough to keep away those bad dreams. Yet, I only knew Him as such. I did not know Him as Lord... Jehovah. Yahweh. The I AM. In that moment of reading those two verses of scripture, I felt the Lord asking me to make Him Lord of my life. To make Him the I AM over every situation in my life. That whatever I sought at the time (a job, love, deliverance from abuse) , He is.

I can't quite explain how, but I am absolutely positive that everything that occurred in my life, both good and bad all played a role in bringing me to God. As I read those verses in Exodus, I decided in that moment to give up trying to do everything on my own and many things began falling into place over a short period of time,  including purchasing our home, planning our wedding and having peace of mind. As I continue to dig into the scriptures, I uncover so many truths. I discover the sovereignty of the Lord, Jesus Christ, and the unconditional love He has for us. I am then reminded that all those times I felt unloved by others around me, and those times when I fell into sin, He loved me.

God loves you too... Even when you feel hated and rejected by those you feel should love you... Even when you feel as though there's no one there to love you. Yup, even if you mess up...

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace  

~(Ephesians 1:3-7)

My Testimony Series: Intro

Lately, I have had this burning desire in my heart to use this blog as a medium to share my testimony. There are so many things that I have endured during the course of my short twenty-five years of life. Situations that I know many other young girls can relate to. Stories that I know many women my age and maybe even a little bit older can read and say "Wow. This really speaks to my heart". Stories that, looking in retrospect, I know that it is the grace of God that brought me through, gave me a forgiving heart and continues to sustain me today.

I have been pretty open about most things on here, but some stories that I've wanted to share in the past, I've recoiled from sharing for fear of it being too much. Some things just hurt to the core. Some stories are so incredibly miraculous. Others, I just never thought anyone would want know.

But I feel my heart strings being tugged at. I hear a voice saying to me, "Tell your story, so that others may hear and know how you overcame... and find hope in it."

So, I'm diving in. Knowing that this is not anything of my self. No, it serves a greater purpose: To share how my life has been changed through Christ's redemption; To share how The Lord often uses our tests and trials to bring about a testimony of His goodness, grace and unfailing love. Not for anything that we have done to be deserving of it all, but because He loves us.

"...that the sharing of your faith may become effective by the acknowledgment of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus."

Philemon 1:6

** Feel free to post any questions or comments regarding these posts. And, if you have a more personal question or comment, please feel free to send me and email-- the email addy is located under the "contact" button on the right, or more directly if you click the envelope under "Welcome" note.

More In A Moment...

I stumbled upon the most beautiful worship video today, and the words "You could love me more in a moment, than other lovers could in lifetime" really spoke to my heart. This is such a beautiful expression of God's love for us. I decided to try my hand at a little typography (pictured above-- not the most intricate, but you know..). I hope this message brings some peace and comfort to you. 

If you're interested in listening/watching the video, click through to view it here.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, 

nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, 

shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

~Romans 8:38-39~

Lately

Lately, I have been:

Keeping Busy. In the past few weeks, I have been trying to remain busy. I started volunteering with an Inner-city program that teaches kids the Bible through theater arts. It has been pretty good so far. The couple that runs the organization are very sweet. The kids are also equally sweet and funny. I also volunteered at a nursing home where we played BINGO and helped transport the residents to various activities.  All of these opportunities have been lovely and refreshing. I volunteer with four younger girls from my church. We are all apart of a group called Daughters of Destiny. I was recruited to this group not of my own will, but of the interest of the person who birthed the group. I was a bit apprehensive to be a part of this group initially because I felt like I just didn't belong. Firstly, because the other 4 girls are younger than me. Second, the group was established rather recently and it just seemed a bit all over the place and I prefer organization over frenzy. Lastly, I just felt as though I didn't belong. Although the girls are younger than me, they have all been on fire for God all while I feel as though I am in the most secluded waiting place... I am at a crossroads of sorts in discovering the plan God has for my life. But lately, I have received a sort of confirmation that I belong in this group. There is something about the sisterhood that is there. I am the youngest of 3 (2 other sisters) and so I feel as though I get to be a big sister to these girls. They have also blessed me with their lives. Need prayer? They are there to embrace you and pray with such power. I was at my weakest point when I joined the group and they have given me so much strength just through their passion for Christ alone. It is extremely uplifting. 

Trying a new recipe. I am not big on burgers, but I have been dying to try salmon burgers for some time now. I finally tried it and was in love. I used fresh salmon fillets, cubed it, mushed it up a bit, added a ton of seasonings, spices, and dill-- cooked it up and served it with sweet potato fries. It was so delicious! And beau loved it too. I guess you can say that was my first ever Pinterest recipe.

Featured on a blog. This little bloggie of mine has a very small following. Actually, I wouldn't say it has a following at all because based on blog statistics, the majority of the views are from random google searches. However, 2 weeks ago, I got a scare of a lifetime when my blog views more than decupled in one day's time. I thought, oh my goodness. I'm on one of those awful blogger trash-talking sites. I soon realized that I was featured on a blog that I submitted an entry to. I've mentioned only a few times on this blog that I am trying to grow my hair long and healthy again. I have finally been able to do so and decided to share  "My Hair Story" on Just Grow Already, and that is where all the blog hits came from. I am glad I figured it out because it was truly quite a scare. I know that with blogging, you literally place yourself in the public eye especially when you share more than just  pretty photos and generic words. But, I like sharing a little bit more because I know that there is someone out there who can relate and who may find comfort in knowing that they are not the only one facing trials AND that they will make it through. People are emotional beings. We thrive on relationship and being able to relate. I will continue to share those kinds of private-ish posts publicly, but I am only okay sharing it with just a handful of people... 400+ readers? not so much.

 

Working through life. I discovered an amazing artist (Laura Story) recently when I stumbled upon her song, Blessings (click to listen). The lyrics of this song were so profound and hit me so hard. It spoke to my current situation and really made me think: what if? The lyrics read:

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst

This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?

The artist shared the story behind this song here, and what stood out to me the most was that after all that she had gone through, she decided to ask herself "whether we are going to choose to interpret our circumstances based on what we hold to be true about God, or whether we're going to judge what we hold to be true about God based on our circumstances (reference James 1:2-3)".... Such a profound statement/question that has completely changed my perspective on some things in my life.

What have you been up to lately? 

Counted Blessings

You know the small things that occur in life that beckons you to count your blessings? Yea, I have had many of those recently.

When beau and I agreed to get married last November, we did it in spite of my joblessness. We knew that it would come with him being the sole provider for our household for an indefinite time period. He gladly took on the responsibilities and have done extremely well manning all of the expenses and have not complained yet. More recently, however, our expenses have gotten a bit more burdensome on him. Again, he still doesn't complain, but fervently exclaims that it is the goodness of God that has kept us throughout the months.

So, with that we are truly grateful knowing that the Lord is our Jehovah Jireh. We are not without food. All of our expenses are getting paid. We are still able to support funds for transportation. And, we are not in need of anything. We even have opportunities for sporadic date nights (gotta love Groupon, Living Social, and Eversave Philadelphia).

... And because of that, we count our blessings.

The Perfect Blog // The Perfect Life

I think E, of E Tells Tales, said it best when she tweeted: "The perfect blog: heavy on the writing, light on the blogging".

I have been pretty quiet on the blog lately (as it has been quite often before) and I honestly can't even put into words why. When I think about it hard enough though, Life comes to mind... Life.

Life has been so incredibly frustrating lately. It's one of those things that we spend forever trying to figure out, and just when we think we've got it down to a science, here comes that curve-ball, and what you thought you knew is all a mystery again.

I kind of miss those easy days. The days when all I had to worry about were getting good grades and making sure I did my chores, although those days weren't so glorious either, they sure do appear that way now. I often wonder if I would look back on my life and be grateful for what I have gone through and the person it will shape me into.Believing in James 1:2-4, I think it will.

There is no true purpose to this blog post. Only a means of writing around some issues that I can't quite mold into words and making myself feel as though I am talking to a good friend who just seems to understand everything that I'm going through.

We can never truly figure out life, especially when we've placed it in the Lord's hands. Even if we tried to do everything on our own, we still wouldn't have it all figured out. I have placed all of my cares and my worries in the hands of God. I have waited a long time to do so, but I guess I finally realized that it's all I can do. Who else is there to call on for help? Who else is there to comfort me and to help provide for our household but Him? I have placed everything into His hands, and now I'm waiting. I'm waiting for deliverance, provision, and a new testimony.

It's funny how we often shy away from discussing the really hard things on our blogs. We strive for the perfect blog... to portray the perfect life. Meanwhile, our lives are doused in imperfections.

Since I find these types of posts more relatable, I will be be heavy on the writing and light on the blogging during this season in my life. It's what I need right now.... and I'm sure some stumble-upon-er out there needs it too.

Added Grace

Often times it appears as if this Christian walk is easy and that we are all perfect. We're not. We mess up. We fail. We are completely imperfect. But we find new mercies (Lamentations 3:22-23) and grace from God through Jesus Christ daily. 

The Lord loves us in spite of. He doesn't harbour our past sins and hold them against us. Our trespasses... our transgressions... they are forgiven. Forgotten, even. Let us strive to be forgiving in that same manner. Let us pray and ask for more grace. 

Beau has informed me that I am lacking in the grace area. I was a little sour at the time, but I know it is true. There are certain qualities and actions I don't like in other people, but it actually turns out that sometimes, I commit some of the same faults. I too have some of those less-than favourable qualities. It's funny how we never notice our own shortcomings until someone points them out to us -- and even then, we are in denial. We have to remove the speck of dust from our eye before we can point out the plank in your brother's eye (Matthew 7:3-5). Furthermore, we need to show a little more grace and forgive just as we would like to be forgiven (not bringing up things from the past to fuel current arguments; considering if we have also transgressed a person in the same manner that we are badgering them for, etc.)

I pray that I may show more grace to others, especially to those I love. I am still learning. This life is definitely a process. We are all a process. 

photo via

Gratitude

photo via

I've been thinking about all the things I'm grateful for lately. Just a realization that, "yea... that thing is good. and I am so incredibly grateful for having it during this season of my life."

My Beau. This past weekend, I saw a side of him I've never actually seen. I've always heard of his sleepless nights in architecture school and the stress that being an architect can sometimes bring, but this weekend I got to witness it for myself. He worked ALL day Saturday (with the exception of preparing breakfast for us) into Sunday morning. When I went to bed, he was still up working. I found out Sunday morning that he finally went to bed around 5am. After church on Sunday, he still had more work to do that also kept him up throughout early this morning. What. a. trooper! I am so grateful for him because he has been so busy with work, church and maintaining our home expenses and has yet to complain. And through all of the stress, he is still so loving. I don't deserve it.

Christian friends. I have been needing a little encouragement lately. Other than praying and burdening beau with all the cares of life, I had no one to really talk to about what has been troubling me. Furthermore, I didn't want to just talk and have someone listen, I wanted to be encouraged and strengthened. Words of wisdom is what I sought. I was able to find that through a blogger friend, Eimile, and an acquaintance from college. There's something about someone in the faith encouraging you. Instead of trying to build you up on your own strength and telling you that you will overcome by your own merit, they remind you of the goodness and all-sufficiency of Christ. How inspite of all my ill-feelings, He is still good. He is still gracious. And that is enough. Afterall, it is by God's grace that I am able to do anything worth doing (Philippians 4:13) and he has promised to never leave me (Deuteronomy 31:6). I am so grateful for these great friends and their beautiful wisdom. 

What little things have you been grateful for? 

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not.

23 

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

~Lamentations 3:22-23~

This Is How I Know What Love Is || Part II

In part I of this post, I mentioned that a few years back, I was seeking an answer to the question: what is love?

I began looking for the true meaning of love once my relationship with Beau began to blossom. You see, I grew up with an idealistic understanding of love from watching an abundance of fairy tales and happily ever after movies. That is where I learned to see love as an affection -- an emotion of sorts. As I got older, my view on love was completely marred by physical and emotional abuse and rejection from the guys I sought affections from. By the time I actually found love (in Beau), I was pretty messed up. I believed in it a little bit, but I still had my reservations. That was made evident in this post. 

While dating Beau, I felt that there had to be more to love than emotions. Maybe because I knew where our relationship was headed. Maybe because our relationship drew me closer to God. Maybe it was a little bit of everything. Beau loved me so fiercely, and I honestly didn't know how to love him back with that same ... gusto. that same patience, kindness and forgiveness. My heart seriously lacked that kind of love, and I wasn't made aware of it until then.

Fast-forward to today, and I think I have a much better understanding of love. Love is more than something you feel -- it's something you do. As I've drawn closer to the Lord, I am highly aware of His love for us as stated in these scriptures:

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16) 

Greater love hath no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. (John 15:13)

Just as Christ laid down His life for our sins out of love, our actions should also scream LOVE! We can't say that we love someone and not show them love. What's easier to believe: someone saying they have a gift for you  or you actually seeing that gift in person? It is easier to believe love when it is outwardly expressed to us (i.e flowers, gifts and forgiving readily).

 Love should be independent of our feelings and emotions. Emotions are fleeting, anyway. You could love someone someday and as soon as that person does something to hurt you or lose your trust, your feelings for them may change drastically. Let us strive to love wholeheartedly with our actions. Furthermore, seek after the love of God, which far exceeds any love we could have for one another.

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” 

~Matthew 22:36-39~

**image 1; image 2**

This Is How I Know What Love Is || Part I

[Arms Wide Open by Misty Edwards]

♫ "What does love look like? is the question I've been pondering 

What does love look like? 

 What does love look like? is the question I've been asking of You 

Once believed that love was romance, just a chance 

 I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful 

 I once believed that love was a momentary bliss, but love is more than this..." ♪

This song poses a question I sought an answer to a couple years ago:
What is love?
What does love feel like?
The answer is depicted beautifully in this song Arms Wide Open by Misty Edwards. Listen to the words and meditate on them. I'll expound upon it a bit more in a follow-up post. 

Beautiful Feet

"How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

Romans 10:15

Like A Flood

photo via

Disappointment strikes again. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I am still saddened after reading the "Thank you.... and best wishes in your career endeavors" email, because I get my hopes up too easily. This was only the third job I've really wanted after an interview and maybe that's why the rejection hurts so bad. 

It's okay, though. 

When one job offer comes, other offers will come in like a flood. 

Of this i'm sure.