Darkness ----> Light

When it rains, it pours.

I don't know how it happened, but I found myself in a deep depression the last couple weeks and it consumed me. I mean all of me was consumed by a heaviness that could not be lifted.

I first became aware of it during lunch one day. I started crying. I went to the bathroom to wipe the tears away and plaster a smile back on to my face before going back on to the teller line, but the tears kept rolling. Next thing I knew, I was telling my supervisor that I will be back in two hours time. I told her everything was okay, walked out of the bank, swiftly to my car and drove away as quickly as possible. I had no idea where I was going, but I hoped it ended in a life-ending crash. I ended up just driving to the end of the shopping center where I worked and balled my eyes out. I contemplated several ways of ending my life. Something that would be swift and painless. All options had possibilities of not going as planned, so I ended up crying more.

I felt like no one cared about me. I felt like I had no one to talk to, not even my husband. I felt stuck and tired of my current disposition. I was tired of life and living it.

Then something happened. A peace came over me. All suicidal thoughts left and all that was left was an empty mind, but one still full of sadness. I thought about how ending my life would leave me in a greater hell than the one I felt as though I was already facing. It wasn't worth it.

Within an hour, I drove back over to work and walked in with my head held high. I still felt down, but tried not to focus on it. But the more I tried not to "focus on it", the more it was there. And it stung. I mean, really stung. Like alcohol burning the eyes, it really hurt. I felt lost and alone and sad all the more because I felt like no one cared. In that moment, it made sense why so many people are depressed and it goes unnoticed until after they have taken their own lives. Maybe it was just how I was feeling at the time, but I honestly think that people are so caught up in their own lives and their own little worlds that they don't even notice when someone (albeit someone really close to them) is hurting. And with that loneliness, the depression gets heavier and heavier and weighs you down even more.

When it rained, it really poured for me the last few weeks. I was facing a really dark time. And through all of that, I am glad to have had some faith in my God. That is what has kept me through that hard time. Though He felt distant and unreachable, a part of me knew He was still there... I just couldn't feel Him. It is then that we have to have faith that even though we do not feel Him, He is still there. And believe me, there are many times when we won't feel like God is there. But he is ever-present-- omnipresent. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us.

I still can't say what brought me to such a dark place, but I pray that it all goes away and light takes its' place. I wasn't meant for darkness.

Open Doors

God has opened up a door of employment for me and I am so very grateful. Beau and I are grateful. The job is no where close to my field of study and it's only part-time, but the extra income will help us greatly. When I was offered the position and began submitting paper work and prepping for orientation, it all felt like a dream. Maybe not a dream, but I struggle to find the words to even explain how it felt. I have gone almost two years searching for employment-- 360+ applications submitted  in my field (this is not an exaggeration. I keep track of all of my applications in an Excel Spreadsheet) and countless others not in my field and nothing came from any of it except several interviews here and there. I am entering into my second week of training for this position today and the fog is starting to lift. You guys don't even know what this means for us. We've never struggled to pay mortgage/bills, neither were we ever in need of anything, but it surely got discouraging not having extra money for other important things or even to spend on just a day out sometimes. I truly know that the Lord's hand is in all of this. Many may wonder why God would do such a thing to those He love, but I am beginning to learn why. His ways are past understanding (Romans 11:33). This time has been difficult for Beau and I, but we stuck it out, and God brought us through. 

I am still looking for work in my field. But who knows where this position will take me? Never in my life would I see myself in this position. I am sure that the lessons I will learn from there will be invaluable to me in the future. 

photo via

My Faith Story

I guess you can say that I grew up in the church. I sang on the choir. I played Gabriel in the Christmas pageant every year until I was too tall to blend in with the younger 'angels'. I was meek. I was quiet. I was just an all around "good kid".

When I was in the 7th grade, I decided that I wanted to get baptized. I'm not even sure what got into to me to want to be baptized. I don't remember the exact date like most people do, but I do remember the day after like it was yesterday. As I was riding on the bus to school, I felt different. I no longer wanted to do the things that the other kids did. I remember a consciousness of sorts in my mind that "I am baptized now. I have to be different. I have to live like a Christian should live" -- whatever that meant. I wasn't quite sure what it meant at the time. I just knew that cursing and thinking bad of people just wasn't the way to be. My pressing conscience was seared soon after. I stopped having a pressing conscience, but I always strived to be "good" to the best of my abilities.

During my high school years, I faced some really discouraging times (which I will write more about in a future  Testimony post) and I got myself into an inappropriate relationship at the age of 17. That secret became exposed. My mom was absolutely livid and it seems as if my reputation was marred in the sight of my church members. I felt judged and unloved by many of the members there. After some time, I began hating church and everything about it. I hated the stares. I hated the whispers. I hated the judgmental spirits. The things mothers said to their daughters about me indirectly, but loud enough for me to hear. I hated how hypocritical the people were. I could not wait to get away from there and head to college in hopes of never returning.

I went to college with a freedom in my heart that I was free and can and will do whatever I wanted. I went to college with that liberation mindset, but sill had a bit of conscience  left. And with that bit of conscience, I sought out a church and I chose to live on a substance-free floor my freshman year of college. I lived pure that entire year with the exception of a party every couple weekends or so. With the start of college, I thought I had gotten away from my home church for good, but during school breaks, I had no where to go or stay but home. My mom always went to church on Sundays, so I never got out of attending service. Nothing changed when I went back to my home church. I still felt rather bitter towards the members and I still felt as though they could not look past my mistake. I felt like they didn't love me

The next couple years in college. I moved from the freshman substance-free floor to a dorm with upper classmen and I found friends. Other than the one church service I attended freshman year, I never attended church again during the months I spent away at university.  I became more open to trying things and got into drinking and partying with my friends just about every weekend. My conscience was still there however because I would never go more than one or two days without praying. (Ever since I was a child, I found that if I did not pray before going to sleep, I would have nightmares at night. This fear of nightmares caused me to keep a line of communication between God and I-- even though I had no relationship with Him outside of it).

At the start of the Spring semester of my Junior year in college (January 2009), I began talking to my sweet Beau. He shared his personal testimony, and something about it spoke to my heart. I found myself wanting less of partying and drinking with my friends. Whenever my friends and I went out, I found myself bored to the point of wanting to fall asleep (seriously!). I still mingled with them though. I never quite knew how to just drop friends or explain to them why I no longer desired to do the things they were doing. A part of me wanted to live pure and clean for the Lord and to allow my relationship with Beau to blossom, while the other part of me also wanted to continue doing what my friends were doing for fear of having to explain 'why not?'.

Fast-forward to 2010 when I finally graduated college and started graduate school in Connecticut. I felt like I was finally able to live a clean, pure life. I searched for a church the day that I moved in and attended it the very next day. As I walked through the door and into the entry way, a woman there greeted me with great smile and a big hug. And as I entered the sanctuary, everyone greeted me with a smile and a handshake/hug. I left there thinking two things:

(1) 'Wow. Beau and I were about 2 out of 4 Black persons in that church today'...

(2) "Wow.... those people were so warm and loving."

Weeks went by. I fell more and more in love with the church. The service was shorter than I was used to (I attend a Caribbean Pentecostal Church-- so, you know), but every sermon seemed to have sparked my interest and left me wanting more. I found myself wanting to attend just about every mid-week service; if not to learn more about the Word of God, then to bask in the fellowship of these loving people. My heart was so full. These people, who did not know me from a can of paint, accepted me into their church and loved me. They invited me to their homes for casual dinners, annual holiday parties, Christmas brunch, Thanksgiving dinner, etc. They prayed with me and for me. One person even prophesied over my life that very first day I was there.

My time at Cornerstone Church ended after grad school and I moved back home. I received a gift card as a graduation gift and used part of it to purchase a Study Bible. I bought it thinking that I need to read the Bible more and since I was having a hard time trying to find a job, it also gave me something to do. I started reading it and discovered truths about the Bible I had never known before. I was able to fill in the blanks to  Bible stories I had heard about as a child, but never knew in full detail. I read through Genesis for the first time ever, and then embarked on also reading through Exodus. As I got to Exodus 6:2-3, I broke down into tears. It says:

2 And God spoke to Moses and said to him: “I am the Lord. 3 I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, as God Almighty, but by My name Lord I was not known to them.

You see, God has always been that all-powerful, all-mighty being to me. I recognized this when I decided to get baptized in the 7th grade. I knew this when I had a conscience regarding doing right and wrong. I knew it when I prayed to Him only to keep my nightmares at bay. I even knew this when I sought a church while attending university. I knew this. I understood and accepted that He is God. That He not only exists, but He is worthy enough to be deserving of obedience and powerful enough to keep away those bad dreams. Yet, I only knew Him as such. I did not know Him as Lord... Jehovah. Yahweh. The I AM. In that moment of reading those two verses of scripture, I felt the Lord asking me to make Him Lord of my life. To make Him the I AM over every situation in my life. That whatever I sought at the time (a job, love, deliverance from abuse) , He is.

I can't quite explain how, but I am absolutely positive that everything that occurred in my life, both good and bad all played a role in bringing me to God. As I read those verses in Exodus, I decided in that moment to give up trying to do everything on my own and many things began falling into place over a short period of time,  including purchasing our home, planning our wedding and having peace of mind. As I continue to dig into the scriptures, I uncover so many truths. I discover the sovereignty of the Lord, Jesus Christ, and the unconditional love He has for us. I am then reminded that all those times I felt unloved by others around me, and those times when I fell into sin, He loved me.

God loves you too... Even when you feel hated and rejected by those you feel should love you... Even when you feel as though there's no one there to love you. Yup, even if you mess up...

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace  

~(Ephesians 1:3-7)

My Testimony Series: Intro

Lately, I have had this burning desire in my heart to use this blog as a medium to share my testimony. There are so many things that I have endured during the course of my short twenty-five years of life. Situations that I know many other young girls can relate to. Stories that I know many women my age and maybe even a little bit older can read and say "Wow. This really speaks to my heart". Stories that, looking in retrospect, I know that it is the grace of God that brought me through, gave me a forgiving heart and continues to sustain me today.

I have been pretty open about most things on here, but some stories that I've wanted to share in the past, I've recoiled from sharing for fear of it being too much. Some things just hurt to the core. Some stories are so incredibly miraculous. Others, I just never thought anyone would want know.

But I feel my heart strings being tugged at. I hear a voice saying to me, "Tell your story, so that others may hear and know how you overcame... and find hope in it."

So, I'm diving in. Knowing that this is not anything of my self. No, it serves a greater purpose: To share how my life has been changed through Christ's redemption; To share how The Lord often uses our tests and trials to bring about a testimony of His goodness, grace and unfailing love. Not for anything that we have done to be deserving of it all, but because He loves us.

"...that the sharing of your faith may become effective by the acknowledgment of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus."

Philemon 1:6

** Feel free to post any questions or comments regarding these posts. And, if you have a more personal question or comment, please feel free to send me and email-- the email addy is located under the "contact" button on the right, or more directly if you click the envelope under "Welcome" note.

More In A Moment...

I stumbled upon the most beautiful worship video today, and the words "You could love me more in a moment, than other lovers could in lifetime" really spoke to my heart. This is such a beautiful expression of God's love for us. I decided to try my hand at a little typography (pictured above-- not the most intricate, but you know..). I hope this message brings some peace and comfort to you. 

If you're interested in listening/watching the video, click through to view it here.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, 

nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, 

shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

~Romans 8:38-39~

Counted Blessings

You know the small things that occur in life that beckons you to count your blessings? Yea, I have had many of those recently.

When beau and I agreed to get married last November, we did it in spite of my joblessness. We knew that it would come with him being the sole provider for our household for an indefinite time period. He gladly took on the responsibilities and have done extremely well manning all of the expenses and have not complained yet. More recently, however, our expenses have gotten a bit more burdensome on him. Again, he still doesn't complain, but fervently exclaims that it is the goodness of God that has kept us throughout the months.

So, with that we are truly grateful knowing that the Lord is our Jehovah Jireh. We are not without food. All of our expenses are getting paid. We are still able to support funds for transportation. And, we are not in need of anything. We even have opportunities for sporadic date nights (gotta love Groupon, Living Social, and Eversave Philadelphia).

... And because of that, we count our blessings.

Added Grace

Often times it appears as if this Christian walk is easy and that we are all perfect. We're not. We mess up. We fail. We are completely imperfect. But we find new mercies (Lamentations 3:22-23) and grace from God through Jesus Christ daily. 

The Lord loves us in spite of. He doesn't harbour our past sins and hold them against us. Our trespasses... our transgressions... they are forgiven. Forgotten, even. Let us strive to be forgiving in that same manner. Let us pray and ask for more grace. 

Beau has informed me that I am lacking in the grace area. I was a little sour at the time, but I know it is true. There are certain qualities and actions I don't like in other people, but it actually turns out that sometimes, I commit some of the same faults. I too have some of those less-than favourable qualities. It's funny how we never notice our own shortcomings until someone points them out to us -- and even then, we are in denial. We have to remove the speck of dust from our eye before we can point out the plank in your brother's eye (Matthew 7:3-5). Furthermore, we need to show a little more grace and forgive just as we would like to be forgiven (not bringing up things from the past to fuel current arguments; considering if we have also transgressed a person in the same manner that we are badgering them for, etc.)

I pray that I may show more grace to others, especially to those I love. I am still learning. This life is definitely a process. We are all a process. 

photo via

This Is How I Know What Love Is || Part II

In part I of this post, I mentioned that a few years back, I was seeking an answer to the question: what is love?

I began looking for the true meaning of love once my relationship with Beau began to blossom. You see, I grew up with an idealistic understanding of love from watching an abundance of fairy tales and happily ever after movies. That is where I learned to see love as an affection -- an emotion of sorts. As I got older, my view on love was completely marred by physical and emotional abuse and rejection from the guys I sought affections from. By the time I actually found love (in Beau), I was pretty messed up. I believed in it a little bit, but I still had my reservations. That was made evident in this post. 

While dating Beau, I felt that there had to be more to love than emotions. Maybe because I knew where our relationship was headed. Maybe because our relationship drew me closer to God. Maybe it was a little bit of everything. Beau loved me so fiercely, and I honestly didn't know how to love him back with that same ... gusto. that same patience, kindness and forgiveness. My heart seriously lacked that kind of love, and I wasn't made aware of it until then.

Fast-forward to today, and I think I have a much better understanding of love. Love is more than something you feel -- it's something you do. As I've drawn closer to the Lord, I am highly aware of His love for us as stated in these scriptures:

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16) 

Greater love hath no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. (John 15:13)

Just as Christ laid down His life for our sins out of love, our actions should also scream LOVE! We can't say that we love someone and not show them love. What's easier to believe: someone saying they have a gift for you  or you actually seeing that gift in person? It is easier to believe love when it is outwardly expressed to us (i.e flowers, gifts and forgiving readily).

 Love should be independent of our feelings and emotions. Emotions are fleeting, anyway. You could love someone someday and as soon as that person does something to hurt you or lose your trust, your feelings for them may change drastically. Let us strive to love wholeheartedly with our actions. Furthermore, seek after the love of God, which far exceeds any love we could have for one another.

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” 

~Matthew 22:36-39~

**image 1; image 2**

This Is How I Know What Love Is || Part I

[Arms Wide Open by Misty Edwards]

♫ "What does love look like? is the question I've been pondering 

What does love look like? 

 What does love look like? is the question I've been asking of You 

Once believed that love was romance, just a chance 

 I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful 

 I once believed that love was a momentary bliss, but love is more than this..." ♪

This song poses a question I sought an answer to a couple years ago:
What is love?
What does love feel like?
The answer is depicted beautifully in this song Arms Wide Open by Misty Edwards. Listen to the words and meditate on them. I'll expound upon it a bit more in a follow-up post.