An Honest Post

I have found myself in a really dark place lately. It’s nothing new really, I’ve faced depression before. This year, however, has been the hardest one in a while. Beginning in March, I found myself feeling really sad and empty. I would stand in the shower and begin weeping for a good 30 seconds. Then the weeping would end, like a faucet being turned off. No drip of a single tear, no thoughts as to why I was sad or crying—nothing. That lasted for a few weeks. It’s a little different now. I am sad and I feel hopeless at times, but there is minimal weeping. I am not sure why that is, but a part of me thinks that it’s because after so many years my circumstances haven’t changed and so there is no hope of them changing now. It’s kind of like settling, or being at peace. Except I am not really at peace. I just have an understanding that life is what it is. We can will it to change, but maybe it won’t. We can work hard to attain our goals and dreams, but we may never make it. THIS IS THE UNCERTAINTY OF LIFE. Que sera, sera.  

That is a really strong revelation to have during an emotionally unstable time, isn’t it?

I did not arrive at this revelation on my own, however. I was listening to Corinne Bailey Rae's The Love E.P. few weeks ago, when her beautiful (extended live) rendition of Que sera, sera began to play. This is actually one of my all-time favorite songs, so I know the lyrics pretty well. But that time it really hit me like something new. The story of a woman wanting to know what lies ahead for her future and receiving the response "Whatever will be, will be; The future is not ours to see" is so profound in its simplicity. As humans, we are all so caught up  with what our futures will be like. We set goals, we have big dreams, we make plans years in advance. Sometimes they come to fruition and sometimes they don't. 

I remember growing up, I wanted to work in the healthcare field. I wanted to be a doctor-- more specifically, a neurosurgeon, after reading Ben Carson's book Gifted Hands. I carried this goal with me for years. I went to college with the intention of being a Pre-Med student and attending medical school afterward to attain these goals. Then freshman year Chemistry kicked my butt, Molecular biology kicked my arse and I just. struggled. I even had my freshman adviser say that I should "study music, or something" since I was having such a hard time. I got rid of her as an adviser and found favor with another professor who carefully guided me through my remaining years of undergrad. It was then that I fell in love with laboratory work and research. I changed my goals to cancer research and worked feverishly to attain it. I attended graduate school for 2 years and graduated with high hopes of starting my career in Research immediately. That did not happen, however, as here I am four years later with 880+ submitted applications, zero offers, thousands of dollars in student loan debt, 2.5 years as a bank teller and 6 months as an administrative assistant to show for it. Que sera, sera.

This has caused me to cycle through the gamut of emotions (including the depression that I mentioned earlier) because of my circumstances. However, nothing has quite brought comfort and solace until grasping the idea that when it comes to life, Que sera, sera. No matter how many self-help books you read, or motivational speeches you listen to... no matter how many suggestions friends, loved ones, colleagues, etc. throw at you, and no matter how many of them you try, the truth beneath it all is that whatever is meant to happen in your life, will happen. Yes, sometimes we wish really hard for something and that wish comes true. Yes, sometimes we work our butts off over many years to attain a goal and we finally reach it. Yes, sometimes we don't don't work really hard for things at all and they seemingly fall into laps. Yes, that too! But that is not the case for everyone. Sometimes people work just as hard, if not harder, to attain goals and never reach them. Sometimes they never give up.... they fight their entire lives, only to come up short. It's just what was in the cards for them. It is what is in the cards for you. It is what is in the cards for me. 

I've noticed a trend in the past few  years. I can't think of the appropriate terminology for it right now, but it is along of the lines of people making themselves gods... or a form of God. They have mantras like "create your own reality" or "Self-achievement". We have become a very self-reliant generation. One where we rely on our own strengths and powers and will to get us through. I don't believe in that way of thinking however, because as human beings, we are very weak. We are fragile. We are breakable. And no amount of inner strength can prevent us from being broken. Similarly, often times, no amount of wishing or working to attain something will make it a reality -- if it is not written in the cards for your life. You see, people fail to realize that humans are not gods... WE are not gods. We can't will something to happen and then have it come to pass. I think that by chance, sometimes, it may happen that way, but that is neither coincidence or chance. It is your life's will. I believe in a sovereign God who know's everything about our lives - beginning to end. I believe that every detail of our lives are already written - who our parents are,  who we marry, who we give birth to, when we die. I believe it is all a story that is written out for us, all that's left for us to do is live it out. 

So yes, sometimes it's difficult for us when we set goals and never attain them. It's even more frustrating when we try hundreds of various ways to attain them with no luck of doing so. But sometimes we have to accept where our lives take us, because that is what is written in life's story for us. Sure, no one wills to be impoverished. No one wills to be born with or acquire a debilitating illness. But that is the life people get dealt sometimes and the people in those situations live with those circumstances to the best of their abilities. It does not stop them from being sad at times, and it does not stop them for wishing for a change, but they learn to live. And live they must! For we are only given this one life on earth. It may not be the "best", but it is what it is. 

Que sera, sera. 

Whatever will be, will be. 

Living In The Present

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

I've realized something recently -- that no matter how hard life gets and no matter how miserable it may seem at times, it gets better. I have spent the last four years hoping and wishing for so many things: my 'dream' job, comfort, joy-- that I almost missed the point and the process. Life is a journey. That means that we don't drive one full distance and some how land at our destinations. There are bumps in the road, and people who cut you off, and periods of rest, and even times when you roll the window down and sing at the top of your lungs in complete bliss.  It is not one straight, boring drive. So, sometimes when life seems rough, take time to regroup and find the good in the journey.

When taking stock of the last four years,  I see how much I have grown. I realize that those hard times passed. They passed! I am glad that I waited out those days and nights when I thought I could not go on any longer. I am glad that I did ride out the storm. Most of all, I am glad for days like today, when I can remember that all is well; I am still alive. And I can put this memory in my pocket for later down the road when life seems hard again. I can look back and say "Remember how you've made it through before? Hang on... smooth sailing/driving is ahead." 

Journaling + Sharing Some Thoughts

 

 I began 'journaling' around this time last year. It started as a means of recording some things that the Lord had revealed to me during my personal time of devotion: promises, truths, understanding, and revelation. I then started including some prayers and hopes for this life of mine and more recently, some of the frustrations I feel as I walk this Christian pathway. Within the pages are some DEEP cries of disappointments and questioning. Not really questioning who God is, but why He does things a certain way.

 I began reading the book of Ruth recently, and what captivated me in the first chapter was Naomi's name change. As a bit of background, Naomi was the mother-in-law of Ruth. She had moved (out of Israel) to a foreign country with her husband and sons who had also married the foreign women. Naomi's husband died and then a few years later, both of her sons also died leaving Naomi and her two daughter-in-laws widowed. Times were hard for widows in those times, so Naomi's response was pretty much relative to what our modern day response would be to such a tragedy: bitterness and questioning. She changed her name to "Mara", saying that it was because "the Lord has dealt bitterly with [her]". And if saying it once was not enough, she reiterated it again saying "I went out full and the Lord hath brought me home again empty... the Lord hath testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me" (Ruth 1:21).

 As I read these words that Naomi spoke, I completely empathized with her grief. Although our circumstances are obviously different, I often feel as though God has somehow chosen to make me miserable. Now, don't get me wrong. I wholly believe in God and His sovereignty. I believe that He owns everything upon this earth and I also believe that everything that happens, occurs because He allowed it to. With that being said, I have earnestly felt that the Lord has dealt treacherously with me these past three years. I have no idea why and I hate it so much. But the part that is so conflicting in all of this is my sheer belief in and love for this God, this father... the one, Jesus Christ has denied me of something I so earnestly desire. Many people often question the goodness of God when faced with tragedy and hardships, but theirs is with a bitter tongue. I do not doubt God, His sovereignty or His wisdom. I just want to know why.

Thoughts

+ I am not immune to disappointment and distress. My life is not perfect. I am willing to share the good times AND the bad, because isn't that what our lives are composed of?

+ I have been thinking lately, that there is a part of us all that wants what another person may have. But in the same respect, that coveted person may also be lacking in an area of your own fullness. For example, you may have been seeking employment for an extended period of time, and your dearest friend has always been able to land the job, and even has the confidence and security to leave one for another. Or, you are happily married and fulfilled in that sense, but a friend may be in a position where they have been seeking relationship and marriage for the longest time, but to no avail. I guess this is how life works.

Full Circle

I have come to the realization that every. single. thing. we do in life has meaning and purpose. Every person you meet. Everything experience you have. Every hardship. Every struggle. Every bit of joy.

Every thing we have done in our lives at one point or another, all serves the purpose of advising ourselves or others if we were to encounter a similar situation in the future. If you think about it, all that we do in life comes full circle.

So, embrace every experience. Hone every skill. Be kind to everyone you meet. For you do not know when you will be confronted with these situations again.

On Having Kids

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In spite of what I wrote in this post a while back, I still get a tiny bit of baby fever. Growing up, I've always loved children. So much so that I wanted to be a pediatrician. then a pediatric brain surgeon... then a pediatric cancer surgeon... I just wanted to work with kids and be able to care for them. I babysat throughout college and fell in love with the kids and their families. In undergrad, there were 2 boys, German-American. The sweetest blonde-hair, blue-eyed kids you'd ever meet. They tried to teach me German -- I failed at it. In grad school, I worked with a family with boy/girl twins. They were also very sweet.

Although I loved children, I don't think I ever saw myself as a mama. I guess I was just never in that mindset. Since getting married, I've been thinking about it more and more... and I'm excited (and nervous) to say the least.

This week, our church is holding Vacation Bible School (VBS). Beau and I have been transporting some kids (2 boys and 2 girls) to and from church and we enjoy their company. They range in age from 7 to 14 and all have different personalities. One wants Beau to cut his beard and shave his head. The other wants him to grow his beard long like Rapunzel (as if Rapunzel had a beard). One is super quiet and reminds me of my younger self. And the other is apparently the ladies' man.  They had us cracking up the past couple days. And when they left the car to go home, Beau said to me "I wonder what our kids will be like?" Suddenly, my heart smiled at the prospect of raising funny kids and loving them wholeheartedly.

I'm looking forward to that day.

Thoughts + May Highlights

I've been pretty quiet on the blog this week. I wanted to share what we did during Memorial Day weekend along with a couple other posts, but I thought it best to just remain quiet. (That's the good thing about blogging for fun. There is no real obligation to get a post up if you're not feeling up to it.)

A lot has been on my mind lately. Nothing in particular, just thoughts... questions. My mind is like that, you know. Curiosity strikes almost always and my mind proposes many question. I sit down and think of all the possible answers and allow the Holy Spirit to even reveal some answers to me. I really enjoy that quiet time.

Here, I am sharing some highlights from this month.
Enjoy and happy weekend! Stay cool!

 

Opionated Much?

It's amazing how opinionated we are as a nation... Everyone has a say about this or that person's life. How long they've been married. Why they got married in the first place. How deserving a person is of illness and death.

The media has made people's personal information easily accessible to just about everyone. I guess we believe this is our entitlement to judge, complain, bash, and ridicule others. Society forgets that we are only getting pieces of information. They fail to realize that there are still holes and empty spaces in that 200 piece puzzle, which yields an obscure image. Like the kid who often draws their own piece to fit the puzzle, we try to make assumptions and draw conclusions as to what happened in situations of which we have no knowledge. 

Who do we think we are? Who gave us this right to judge others?

I don't like who we have become as a people... As a nation:

Tongue-bashers. 

Name slashers. 

Accusers.  

Etcetera... 

And the means of doing so has made it that much easier. Everyone seems to have the strength to relay their opinions through social media. But, who are we to judge?

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