My Current Testimony

 

Since my Sunday morning devotion, I can not stop thinking about how much the scripture I read applies to where I am now. I read Psalm 27 and the last two verses are what stood out to me the most. It says: 

"I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord.

Why those two verses resonate with me so much spans back to March 2012. I began applying for jobs a couple months before completing my Masters degree in hopes of getting a head start on the job search process (before school ends and everyone else is in the career searching pool). I also wanted to set myself up for any interviews that may have come around my Spring break. I had so many plans on where I would be in life after completing grad school, but the Lord had different plans. You see, I had plans to start my career in laboratory research, start saving towards our wedding, and so much more. The months passed and no jobs were offered and my plans began to shift to counteract the the detour. The more I tried to shift plans, the more they just did not come to fruition. God had something else in mind. We got married that year and everything fell into place seamlessly. We were able to fund our wedding and not be in some ridiculous amount of debt for it. 

Fast-forward to the next year and I'm STILL applying for jobs. I thought 'when I start my career, we will be able to do this, purchase this, furnish here, go there'. Still, no offers in my field. But God supplied a part-time position for me that helped ease the burden of our expenses, allowed for a little getaway for our one year anniversary, and a chance to start furnishing our home piece by piece. 

This year was much of the same. I still had hopes of starting my career, but got nowhere. Interviews are no longer being offered, rejection notices come a lot faster, and you can pretty much see that I am not where I wanted to be. But, we are doing better than we were this time last year, and the Lord has blessed us in many ways since. 

Of course there are many times in between the past couple years that I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. Sadness. Depression. Worthlessness. Yes, even that. After 500+ rejections, you can't help but feel worthless. But through it all, I had one thing to hold on to. More than encouraging words from others and the love and support of my dear husband. More than all of those, I held on the promises of my Lord. Those years built my faith, y'all! Two years ago, I wasn't as strong in my faith. In retrospect, I can see how I would have crumbled and lost hope. I'm not going to lie and say that it's been easy and I went through these years with much grace and acceptance, I did not. There are times when I got frustrated. I questioned God. I challenged Him and asked why did He bring me here. Why all the promises and nothing to show for it after two whole years. I cried before Him. Some days I wept. But always before Him... Knowing that my help comes from Him. Knowing that after all this time of seeking help from this person, and trying to network with another person, nothing came of it. Proving even more that He is in control. 

This may be hard for many of you to understand. You may question why serve a God who doesn't give you what you earnestly desire? Why continue to trust in Him after such a long time of letdowns and disappointments? I don't quite have the answer for you, but I will say that it has a lot to do with faith. As Psalm 27:13 says, "I would have lost heart unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord". It all comes back to faith. Faith in someone who is greater than I am. Someone who has the power to control everything as He wills. And for me, this meant controlling where I go in life. I remember last year I found myself on the floor of our church during worship service saying "Yes! Yes, Lord. Yes". From the very depths of my soul, I said 'Yes'. Whatever God was asking me to do, my soul cried out 'Yes'. 

And so, I hold on to the hope that I will see the fullness of what He has planned for me.  He did not want me to work the past two years. And I am okay with that. My soul says yes to His will and I will continue to press towards Him to find out what He would have me to do. 

My Faith Story

I guess you can say that I grew up in the church. I sang on the choir. I played Gabriel in the Christmas pageant every year until I was too tall to blend in with the younger 'angels'. I was meek. I was quiet. I was just an all around "good kid".

When I was in the 7th grade, I decided that I wanted to get baptized. I'm not even sure what got into to me to want to be baptized. I don't remember the exact date like most people do, but I do remember the day after like it was yesterday. As I was riding on the bus to school, I felt different. I no longer wanted to do the things that the other kids did. I remember a consciousness of sorts in my mind that "I am baptized now. I have to be different. I have to live like a Christian should live" -- whatever that meant. I wasn't quite sure what it meant at the time. I just knew that cursing and thinking bad of people just wasn't the way to be. My pressing conscience was seared soon after. I stopped having a pressing conscience, but I always strived to be "good" to the best of my abilities.

During my high school years, I faced some really discouraging times (which I will write more about in a future  Testimony post) and I got myself into an inappropriate relationship at the age of 17. That secret became exposed. My mom was absolutely livid and it seems as if my reputation was marred in the sight of my church members. I felt judged and unloved by many of the members there. After some time, I began hating church and everything about it. I hated the stares. I hated the whispers. I hated the judgmental spirits. The things mothers said to their daughters about me indirectly, but loud enough for me to hear. I hated how hypocritical the people were. I could not wait to get away from there and head to college in hopes of never returning.

I went to college with a freedom in my heart that I was free and can and will do whatever I wanted. I went to college with that liberation mindset, but sill had a bit of conscience  left. And with that bit of conscience, I sought out a church and I chose to live on a substance-free floor my freshman year of college. I lived pure that entire year with the exception of a party every couple weekends or so. With the start of college, I thought I had gotten away from my home church for good, but during school breaks, I had no where to go or stay but home. My mom always went to church on Sundays, so I never got out of attending service. Nothing changed when I went back to my home church. I still felt rather bitter towards the members and I still felt as though they could not look past my mistake. I felt like they didn't love me

The next couple years in college. I moved from the freshman substance-free floor to a dorm with upper classmen and I found friends. Other than the one church service I attended freshman year, I never attended church again during the months I spent away at university.  I became more open to trying things and got into drinking and partying with my friends just about every weekend. My conscience was still there however because I would never go more than one or two days without praying. (Ever since I was a child, I found that if I did not pray before going to sleep, I would have nightmares at night. This fear of nightmares caused me to keep a line of communication between God and I-- even though I had no relationship with Him outside of it).

At the start of the Spring semester of my Junior year in college (January 2009), I began talking to my sweet Beau. He shared his personal testimony, and something about it spoke to my heart. I found myself wanting less of partying and drinking with my friends. Whenever my friends and I went out, I found myself bored to the point of wanting to fall asleep (seriously!). I still mingled with them though. I never quite knew how to just drop friends or explain to them why I no longer desired to do the things they were doing. A part of me wanted to live pure and clean for the Lord and to allow my relationship with Beau to blossom, while the other part of me also wanted to continue doing what my friends were doing for fear of having to explain 'why not?'.

Fast-forward to 2010 when I finally graduated college and started graduate school in Connecticut. I felt like I was finally able to live a clean, pure life. I searched for a church the day that I moved in and attended it the very next day. As I walked through the door and into the entry way, a woman there greeted me with great smile and a big hug. And as I entered the sanctuary, everyone greeted me with a smile and a handshake/hug. I left there thinking two things:

(1) 'Wow. Beau and I were about 2 out of 4 Black persons in that church today'...

(2) "Wow.... those people were so warm and loving."

Weeks went by. I fell more and more in love with the church. The service was shorter than I was used to (I attend a Caribbean Pentecostal Church-- so, you know), but every sermon seemed to have sparked my interest and left me wanting more. I found myself wanting to attend just about every mid-week service; if not to learn more about the Word of God, then to bask in the fellowship of these loving people. My heart was so full. These people, who did not know me from a can of paint, accepted me into their church and loved me. They invited me to their homes for casual dinners, annual holiday parties, Christmas brunch, Thanksgiving dinner, etc. They prayed with me and for me. One person even prophesied over my life that very first day I was there.

My time at Cornerstone Church ended after grad school and I moved back home. I received a gift card as a graduation gift and used part of it to purchase a Study Bible. I bought it thinking that I need to read the Bible more and since I was having a hard time trying to find a job, it also gave me something to do. I started reading it and discovered truths about the Bible I had never known before. I was able to fill in the blanks to  Bible stories I had heard about as a child, but never knew in full detail. I read through Genesis for the first time ever, and then embarked on also reading through Exodus. As I got to Exodus 6:2-3, I broke down into tears. It says:

2 And God spoke to Moses and said to him: “I am the Lord. 3 I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, as God Almighty, but by My name Lord I was not known to them.

You see, God has always been that all-powerful, all-mighty being to me. I recognized this when I decided to get baptized in the 7th grade. I knew this when I had a conscience regarding doing right and wrong. I knew it when I prayed to Him only to keep my nightmares at bay. I even knew this when I sought a church while attending university. I knew this. I understood and accepted that He is God. That He not only exists, but He is worthy enough to be deserving of obedience and powerful enough to keep away those bad dreams. Yet, I only knew Him as such. I did not know Him as Lord... Jehovah. Yahweh. The I AM. In that moment of reading those two verses of scripture, I felt the Lord asking me to make Him Lord of my life. To make Him the I AM over every situation in my life. That whatever I sought at the time (a job, love, deliverance from abuse) , He is.

I can't quite explain how, but I am absolutely positive that everything that occurred in my life, both good and bad all played a role in bringing me to God. As I read those verses in Exodus, I decided in that moment to give up trying to do everything on my own and many things began falling into place over a short period of time,  including purchasing our home, planning our wedding and having peace of mind. As I continue to dig into the scriptures, I uncover so many truths. I discover the sovereignty of the Lord, Jesus Christ, and the unconditional love He has for us. I am then reminded that all those times I felt unloved by others around me, and those times when I fell into sin, He loved me.

God loves you too... Even when you feel hated and rejected by those you feel should love you... Even when you feel as though there's no one there to love you. Yup, even if you mess up...

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace  

~(Ephesians 1:3-7)

My Testimony Series: Intro

Lately, I have had this burning desire in my heart to use this blog as a medium to share my testimony. There are so many things that I have endured during the course of my short twenty-five years of life. Situations that I know many other young girls can relate to. Stories that I know many women my age and maybe even a little bit older can read and say "Wow. This really speaks to my heart". Stories that, looking in retrospect, I know that it is the grace of God that brought me through, gave me a forgiving heart and continues to sustain me today.

I have been pretty open about most things on here, but some stories that I've wanted to share in the past, I've recoiled from sharing for fear of it being too much. Some things just hurt to the core. Some stories are so incredibly miraculous. Others, I just never thought anyone would want know.

But I feel my heart strings being tugged at. I hear a voice saying to me, "Tell your story, so that others may hear and know how you overcame... and find hope in it."

So, I'm diving in. Knowing that this is not anything of my self. No, it serves a greater purpose: To share how my life has been changed through Christ's redemption; To share how The Lord often uses our tests and trials to bring about a testimony of His goodness, grace and unfailing love. Not for anything that we have done to be deserving of it all, but because He loves us.

"...that the sharing of your faith may become effective by the acknowledgment of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus."

Philemon 1:6

** Feel free to post any questions or comments regarding these posts. And, if you have a more personal question or comment, please feel free to send me and email-- the email addy is located under the "contact" button on the right, or more directly if you click the envelope under "Welcome" note.