28.

Today is my 28th birthday, and I guess I don't really have many thoughts on the matter, but I what I do have, I will share them in this space.

I have to think twice about my age these days-- like, asking 4 year old how old they are and they hold up 2 or 3 fingers? -- yea, like that.

One thing I have noticed a change in is my physical appearance, mainly in my face. In comparison to old selfies (can't believe I just said that), I've noticed that my face has a mature look to it, though my eyes haven't changed much. 

I have noticed that I am a little more slow to anger, and much less likely to hold a grudge... neither of which were good for my well-being anyway. 

I have gained a bit of weight over the past year (much to my displeasure). I am in a weight bracket that I have never been in my life, but plan on not keeping it this way.

Sometimes, I look at pictures of other women on social media. They look all glammed-up and gorgeous and I end up feeling like a plain Jane. So, I have been on a matte-lipstick buying spree, and sometimes I throw on a bit of medium-coverage foundation. But I am still just a 2-coat mascara girl most days, and I guess I am okay with that. 

I think about motherhood a lot more lately, but not in the "broodish", "baby-feverish" way I did in the past. I think long and hard about how life would change, what kind of mother I would want to be, and how sometimes this whole parenting thing scares the crap out of me. However, I am glad that we are able to think through these thoughts before making that big leap. 

All in all, this has just been a year of self-observation and self-learning for me. I finally feel a little more grown-up. A little more in tune with who I am as a person. 

A Sprinkle of Self-Confidence

There are days when I look in the mirror and the face looking back at me brings so many negative thoughts. 

Although I grew up as a quiet and soft-spoken child, I never thought it had anything to do with self-confidence or a lack thereof. In fact, I did not start finding faults with my features until my (apparently) very noticeable flaw was pointed out to me in the 7th grade. I was riding the school bus home, and this kid who was younger than I was kept making silly faces. So, I imitated him and made silly faces back. He then said to me "How did you make your eyes do that?!" 'What?', I thought to myself. I had no clue what he meant. When I got home that day, I rushed to the mirror in my bedroom and was faced with the truth of what he questioned. I had a lazy eye. (I actually detest that term. I prefer to call it by it's medically correct name-- exotropia). I started wearing glasses when I was 7 years old. During that time I endured patching and vision therapy. I did not know why I had to go through these therapies other than the fact that the vision in my right eye was weaker than my left. It was not until that day that I realized why the vision in my left eye was weaker. Since my right eye drifted outward, it did not work in-synch with the left. All of my vision strength relied on this 'good' eye, therefore causing the right one to become weaker and weaker and drift further out. I think this is the day my battle with self-confidence began. I never looked anyone in the eyes. I almost always held my head down. This was because the older I got, the more mean people seemed to have gotten mean about it. They somehow would never know if I was talking to them because my eyes were facing different directions.. They were uncomfortable speaking to me and it made me uncomfortable interacting with them. 

Freshman year of college, I had enough. The guys were mean! I hated life. I still remember the evening I called my mother in a bout of tears begging her to get the eye-alignment surgery (a surgery where they cut and restitched the loose eye muscle). I think she felt bad for me, and agreed. I got that surgery about a week before my 19th birthday-- right before winter break was over. My eyes were blood red in the first couple days, but when they finally started to heal, I got a new-found confidence. I enjoyed being in photos. I wasn't afraid to make eye contact. I just felt better about myself. That surgery - although it was cosmetic and did nothing for the underlying vision problem - was the best thing that happened to me because of the way it changed the way I feel about myself. 

Fast forward to today, where my self-confidence is bottled up under many of my current physical traits (i.e. breakouts, weight gain, and my eye turn coming back,). I still struggle with  'feeling pretty'. I struggle with looking at other women and wishing I looked like them or had their {enter beautiful trait here}. But there are days when I can look in the mirror and say, "ha! you don't look half bad today, Jhan". And then I smile and snap a selfie.

ツ

27

Today, I celebrate 27 years of life. I am grateful to have the privilege of seeing another year. Grateful for this journey called life. Looking back, I think '...Man! I've come a long way from that 22 year old who started this blog". So much insight, so much knowledge and wisdom and strength is packed into this 27 year old life. So much. I am grateful.   

Today, I'm 26

This post is a whole lot of everything. So, here goes:

Today, I am 26 years old and I've got to admit-- it's a strange feeling.

To me, twenty-six feels like a random age. One of little significance. So much so, that it doesn't even have a special birthday greeting card in the Hallmark store -- Kind of like, 14, 17 and 22. It's just one of those ages that I feel could be easily forgotten about years from now when I look back on life.

To be honest, I don't know how I feel about this birthday. I am a complete mixed bag of emotions. Don't let the smile in that photo fool you.  There are so many things I would have liked to have accomplished... Many goals I thought I would have achieved by now. Yet, they are still wavering, lingering hopes and dreams that seem so far away, but I know are still attainable. Nevertheless, I am truly grateful for making it through another year of life in good health by the mercies and favor of God.

When I look back on year 26 of my life, what will I remember?  I hope it's something monumental, meaningful, and unforgettable. I hope to remember love, laughter and growth because, that's what life is mostly about, you know? However, right now, all I think about in regards to being 26 yrs old, is how I met my sweet Beau in the year that he turned that age-- just 5 lovely years ago. That is actually a really sweet memory. I secretly hope he will carry a sweet memory of me during my 26th year of life too. kinda crazy.

Here's to a year of personal growth and making beautiful, unforgettable memories.

 ... Here's to being 26!  

ツ

Now You Know // More Random Facts About Me

• I have to drink tea with a spoon about 2/3 of the way before I can turn the cup to my head.
• My favorite word is okay. I would like to think of myself as an optimistic person, but if someone asks me:how are you? or, how was your day? or, how is the meal? my response will most likely be: I'm/it's okay. 
• I've studied Spanish for 8 years: 4 years in high school and it was my minor in undergrad. I understand it better than I speak it. I've just never had an opportunity to practice it... except senior year of high school when I tutored a kid from Mexico in Geometry. THAT was an experience! I didn't take advantage of any of the study abroad programs while in college. I would  really love to visit somewhere in South America or Central America with beau, though... Adding that to my bucket list.  
• When I love a song, I love it to death and play it over and over until I learn the lyrics so I can sing along to it whenever it's on. 
• I have a Windows Phone. So what that means is... I have a phone that severely lacks "good" apps. Lucky for me though, I'm not really into apps [I'm more into the uniqueness of the phone, the speed, and ease of use]. The facebook and twitter apps are great though. But until recently, I was either using Beau's phone or a program on my computer (Bluestacks) to upload photos to instagram. We finally have a good instagram app for Windows Phone, not an official app, but good (maybe even better than the one for Android/iPhone). 

• I am pretty methodological about washing dishes. We hand wash everything. So first I do the glasses/cups, then the plates, and lastly the silverware. 
• From 6th grade to 12 grade, I did not miss one day of school. 
• I have yet to change my maiden name. 
• My all time favorite flower is the hibiscus flower. Whenever I see a photo of it, I can almost smell it and I'm instantly brought back to my childhood in Jamaica.
• I secretly wish I made Youtube videos. I mean really-- what started as a hobby for many (i.e. uploading videos of make-up tutorials, styling tips, recipe videos) has landed them a brand for themselves. The channels with a large following make money- like a legit salary- from the views AND they get amazing opportunities to work with major brands internationally.  Some even get paid to record their daily lives, no matter how mundane and repetitive, and upload the videos to youtube. Crazy, right?!
• I really, really want a pet rat, but Beau would absolutely. die. Like, absolutely. My friends had a pet rat called Babu Baloo in undergrad and although it freaked me out initially (rat tails are kind of gross), I eventually fell in love. She was easily trained and very smart. Said friends later thought it was a good idea to get a boy rat, called Raúl, so they could mate and have babies and everyone in our group of friends would be able to have our own baby rat. That was a major fail! Oh college, you were full of many bad ideas. 

// this was Babu. She didn't have any babies. She was too terrified of Raul when we introduced him to her, so we let them be. 

Mastered

 

I am a Master of Health Science, everyone!

ツ

11 Random Things + Q&A Tag

Marie, over at MerelyMarie, tagged me in one of these tags that I love so much:

The Rules:

• Post these rules.
• You must post 11 random things yourself.
• Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
• Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
• Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ Blah blah blah, you legitimately have to tag 11 peeps!

**Note: I really don't know who I could tag in this, so it will have to stop here with me... sadly. I'm pretty sure I just lost this game.**

My 11 Randoms:

My 11 questions (by Marie):

1. Something you look forward to?
   -- That wonderful day when I get to spend every single day of the rest of my life with my beau. No more long-distance relationship madness... No more cell phone miscommunication.
2. Text or Talk?
   -- I prefer talking (even though I'm not much of a talker unless I have a lot to say), but everyone is always too busy to talk.
3. Favorite music artist/group/band?
   -- My favorite music is contemporary Christian and alternative/classic rock/etc... I like a whole slew of artists and sometimes, I only know one of their hits... which is enough for me.
4. Something/someone you didn't or don't get the hype or excitement over?
   -- I don't get the hype over many of the pop singers (Gaga); internet trends (planking, cinnamon challenge, Headless horsemann-ing, etc); and The Twilight series.
5. Favorite blog to visit?
   -- Currently, Enjoying the Small Things. Kelle Hamptons seems like such a loving, caring mama. I also really just enjoy snapshots of her family and surroundings... oh, and the music on her page. Music on a blog page is usually a turn-off for me, but I keep listening whenever I visit her page.
6. What really "gets your goat"...pet peeve?
-- I am immediately irked by people who cough/sneeze without covering their mouths. 
7. Favorite/best video on Youtube? link please
   -- Oh man! THIS is my most recent fave
8. Guilty pleasure song/music or television show?
   I'm not even going to lie... I watched the entire Season 2 of Kim and Kourtney Take New York.
9. Salty or Sweet eats?
   -- Sweets! I have such a massive sweet tooth. I had to get rid of the stock of cookies and candies from my house. Now all I have are crème brûlée flavored rice cakes. It does the trick.
10. Fill me in on a secret about you or your life.
    -- Haha. Marie... you sneaky lady, you! I don't currently have any secrets. ツ
11. If you had guaranteed success at doing one thing, what would it be?
    -- I would want to be 100% successful at flying. Initially, I wanted guaranteed success at finding a cure for diseases, but that would put many out of jobs, and also, disease will never completely disappear from this life. Therefore, I choose flying. I would want to see the beauty of Earth from above through my own eyes. 

Thanks for tagging me, Marie! This was fun! ツ

24

I am 24 years old today. There is not much to say about my birthday except that I am grateful to have made it through another year of life.

24 seems like such an awkward age. I don't even feel like I'm 24 yrs old. ( Like, am I supposed to feel like a 24 year old?) Well, I don't. The older I get, the more awkward that age feels. I thought 17 was an awkward age; even 22. But 24... it's the strangest age of them all.

Content

I sit in my room thinking about all that I have to do within the next 4 or so months; and all that I would like to accomplish. 

Then suddenly, my mind stopped operating at a thousand thoughts per second (as it usually does). 

And with that brief pause, the word "Content" came to mind.

That's what I am.

Content.

Content with who I am. Who I have become as a person. Where I've gotten in life, and where I am going. I. Am. Content.

Alphabetical Questionnaire.

I am taking full advantage of Spring BREAK. I haven't done much work, although I have midterms and lab reports due next week. Rochelle from Rochelle Approved posted this fun little questionnaire last week and I wanted to participate. You know... since I'm on break and all. ツ

A. Age: 23
B. Bed size: Queen at home; twin at school.
C. Chore you hate: Washing pots
D. Dogs: I’ve never owned a pet.

E. Essential start to your day: Devotion! Prayer and reading a passage of scripture from the Bible.

F. Favorite color: Various shades of green. I like other colors too, but I wouldn’t say they’re my favorite.

G. Gold or silver: Gold. I think it compliments my skin tone the best.

H. Height: 5’7”-ish
I. Instruments you play: In middle school, I played the clarinet. I would love to take that up again… seriously.

J. Job title: Student, soon to be Research Scientist I or II (I hope!).
K. Kids: None

L. Live: in Philadelphia, PA. Currently residing in Connecticut for graduate school.

M. Mom’s name: Bev
N. Nicknames: Gel, Jelly beans, Persimmon (Percy), and Beaker (Beaks).

O. Overnight hospital stays: I don’t think I have stayed overnight in a hospital.
P. Pet peeve: Pre-mature anger and exaggerated sneezes, among others.

Q. Quote from a movie: It’s really hard to pick just one favorite movie quote. Luckily, I’ve been harvesting movie quotes for a few years now. Here is one of my faves: "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is" -Forest Gump-

R. Righty or Lefty: Righty
S. Siblings: Two older sisters, named Opal and Dahlia.

T. Time you wake up: Around 8:30am.

U. Underwear: I used to wear an undershirt (camisole/tank top) with every outfit, even in the summer heat.

V. Vegetable you dislike: Asparagus and okra.

W. What makes you run late: Hair mishaps and waiting until the last minute to shower and get dressed.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Breast (ultrasound).
Y. Yummy food you make: I make a lot of yummy foods. Specifically, my shrimp fettucine alfredo and pan seared pork chops are really yummy.

Z. Zoo animal favorite: Pandas, peacocks, elephants, tapirs, and any primate species.

**All but two photos are from here. Others are my own.**

Plans for the Summer!

That's me! ... and my neurobio professor in lab last year (2010). (Source)

I am pretty darn excited for this summer!

{No! Not for the disgustingly humid city weather...}

I am excited because I have been on my grind lately, trying to find a research or laboratory internship and it's all coming together!

My interest in a career in the research and development field (R&D) sparked at the latter end of my sophomore year in college. I realized that med school was not what I wanted after all. I liked working in the lab more than anything and I actually looked forward to going to lab every week. Whether it was dissecting rabbit muscles, trying to develop a vaccine against Staph aureus, or harvesting neurons from fetal rats, I loved every bit of it.

Now, for this summer, I have chosen to directly contact a few researchers to petition a summer internship in their lab. Preferably, I would like to have a paid internship. However, I desire to gain experience more than anything, so I have also petitioned for volunteer positions (with hopes of finding a little part-time gig to save up for my second year of grad school). I strongly believe that any position will help me to refine the skills I've gained during my undergraduate career and teach me new ones. With Philly as my 'permanent home', I have a wide variety of research organizations (i.e. GSK, FCCC, Wistar Institute, etc.) and universities (i.e. Drexel, Temple, UPenn, PCOM etc) in range that I can work with.

I have my first interview next week! ツ

Photo sharing: Drew U surely brought out the science lover in me! Enjoy these pics...

Ferns grown from tiny spores (freshman year).

Dissecting bunnies (sophomore year).

DNA fragmented by agarose gel electrophoresis (junior year).

DAPI-stained DNA microtubules during interphase (junior year).

Anatomy & Physiology lab (junior year).

The effects of glutamate cytotoxicity on neurons (senior year).

Trip to the Bronx Zoo (sophomore year).

**All photos are my own**

Question 2

[Source]

Is this what I want to be doing? [Source]

I ask myself this question quite often. Although my daily life mainly consists of grad school, I often wonder about the path that I chose. I guess the answer to this current question is... yes. At the moment, I don't see myself anywhere else. Sure, I wish certain things in my life were different. We all do in some manner or another... but I like where I am.

Graduate school is where I want to be. I can remember when I decided that this is what I wanted to do and not medical, nursing, or PA school as my mom and my educational advisers have suggested. I am not much of a people person. I can be, when I have grown used to someone, but that takes time. Constantly meeting new people in a healthcare setting would immediately give me anxiety. Besides, I absolutely like research, and even if I don't end up doing research right away after I complete this program, any position in a laboratory would suffice. I just LOVE the thrill of discovering things, and learning more about a certain subject.

That may be why I am such a Googler. Just give me a few key words about a certain subject/object and I will get results, no matter how small. I remember seeing a really cute top someone was wearing in a photograph, and I instantly hopped on Google, and began searching specific key phrases (mainly the bold features of the top). After a few word combinations, I was able to not only find an image of that specific tank top, but I was also able to find where it was sold and the retail price!!....

Now, if I can do that with Google only, how much more can I do with cells, proteins, DNA, or antibodies-- especially since there is so much research and information out there regarding each of them? Since I was a child, I knew I wanted to work in the healthcare industry to help better the lives of everyday people, just like my mother does as a nurse. That dream has not diminished, it has only been adjusted slightly. I doubt that I will be able to find a cure to cancer or any other deadly disease, because God is in control of the knowledge humans gain on Earth. I do, however, believe that I can make a difference in the future of medicine via vaccines or drug development, and that is EXACTLY what I want to do!

ツ

Bits & Bobbles of My Birthday

People always manage to spell my name wrong, even it's spelled out for them!

(Throwback birthday pic)

Found!

-So, while studying for my Immunology of Infectious Diseases exam, I stumbled upon the fine print of one of the professors slides concerning measles. I usually don't read the fine print because it ends up being a BUNCH of words nestled under an image, and it's just too much to handle while studying. Anyhoo, this is what the fine print says (I've highlighted, in red, the part that stood out the most):

Photo Credit: Prof. Lisa Cuchara; Immunology of Infectious Diseases Lecture #1 September 1, 2010

-- Granted, I'm not African, and I'm definitely not blind. But, I couldn't help but wonder if my exotropia occurred as a result of being infected with measles while I was 6 years old and still living in Jamaica. So, as the lovely googler that I am, I googled the terms "measles + strabismus" and was amazed by the results. The two actually coexisted in multiple articles! The information given in the articles that I skimmed thus far all give the same, general information, but it seems as if the consensus is that strabismus may be caused by "infections such as meningitis or measles" along with other reasons, of course.

-- This is of great importance to me because I have strabismus, a disorder of vision due to a deviation from normal orientation of one or both eyes so that both cannot be directed at the same object at the same time (dictionary.com). More specifically, I have exotropia, the outward deviation of the eye muscle and can be read about here. This condition was not diagnosed in me until I was 7 years old and had emigrated to the US. My mother got my sisters and I physical examinations, and they noticed my exotropia and double vision, also known as diplopia, right away. As I've said many times, I don't remember much of my childhood, but I do remember the exact day that I broke out with measles and I also remember being able to see one, intact image, and not two, like I see now. I also have baby pictures which prove that I did not have any form of strabismus while I was living in Jamaica, and under the age of 6 years old (before having measles).

-- My main goal is to do more research on measles and strabismus, using primary articles... When this crazy, busy week is over. The findings will help me personally b/c I've always envied people with "normal" eyes and I've never had a valid explanation as to why or even how I developed exotropia.