Lately: Wants

photo via here

Lately, I've been finding myself extremely frustrated with a lot of things. I have mainly been frustrated with situations and circumstances which ultimately is a result of hoping things were different. As time continued to progress, my frustrations have increased, however, I became less aware of what it was that I am frustrated with and more caught up in the fact that I was just  plain miserable. I have then decided to take some time to pin-point and evaluate these frustrations. What is it that and I want, and why I am frustrated that I do not have them. I constructed a list and this is what I have come up with... I want/would like to:

• Begin my career
• it would be nice to invited to an interview for a position and either be offered a position on the spot or even get a phone call that they are offering me a position. That is something I have yet to experience. I love medicine. I enjoy science. I would love to start my career in this field and have joy in teaching others, training others, or even gaining ore knowledge in this field as I go along. 
• Completely furnish and decorate our home.
• after two years of marriage, we finally have a sofa in the living room. One that we paid off on our own and there is no debt behind it. Of this, I am exceptionally thankful and happy about, but I wish we could have every bit of this place furnished and decorated.
• Start a family.
• I don't know, but something about getting married instantly had my heart set on raising children and having a family of our own. It hurts that my husband shies away from 'baby talk', and the longer we go on in our marriage without even as much as a tentative date as to when we will start trying for kids, the more hopeless I become... the more sad and wanting I am when I see other families, other pregnant women. I become bitter and think that it will never happen for us, because right now, my husband says he's not ready. And quite frankly, I guess we're not. 
• Travel.
• I want to take the train across the the U.S. To see the mountains in the midwest, the trees and the waterfall trails in the Pacific Northwest. I want to see my feet standing in clear blue waters in the Caribbean, and walk through soggy fields in Ireland. I want money (or lack thereof) to not be the sole deterrent from going to these places. 
• To be happy. Content. Joyous
• That wanting something (these things specifically) doesn't make me ungrateful or needy in the eyes of others. That people would not look at me and say cliche Christian things like "Well, if it is a part of God's plan for your life, then..." I just want to express what I've had bottled up within me for some time now and just have not had the time to sit down and think about why I have been in such a crappy mood lately. Also to think about what I would really like to accomplish in life.

In the end, I have what I need at the moment and that is enough. It suffices. I am sure that many of my wants will be fulfilled in the not too distant future. 

The Future From a Wider Perspective

"I urge all young scientists to keep their minds open to alternative careers. Having "tunnel vision" will only stifle your creativity and maneuverability in science." 

~ Milton J Hernandez

There is something special about time. It is ever constant. Measurable, though it can neither be contained nor restrained. Time reveals much. It lends a certain wisdom. You know, the kind that comes with time. It is a beautiful thing, that time. Beautiful because it has taught me so much over its course: How to be patient. How to suffer long. How to wait. How to be...

I am the first to say that I absolutely suck at keeping up with time. I wait until the very last minute to get ready to leave for an event and I always arrive just in time to be considered right on time. The lessons learned here is that time waits on no one. It has taught me to manage it better, to allow for peace of mind and good standing among fellow peers.

More recently, however, time has taught me something else: how as mutable beings, we are subject to change, especially where our hearts and passions are concerned. With time, I've learned that what I have come to love and pursue as a lifelong career is no longer my sole interest. When asked what I planned on doing with a degree in Biomedical Science, I answered swiftly and confidently: "Cancer/Laboratory Research!" Afterall, I fell in love with the thing 2 years into college and it was all I could think about. However, after a year plus of career searching, job descriptions involving cellular & molecular techniques no longer interest me. The education I have in biomedical science is so broad. It qualifies me for positions in a wide range of scientific fields. I am currently pursuing numerous science related positions in the areas of Science Administration and Clinical sciences. With a position in either of these fields, I will be able to perform a wide range of tasks on any given work day. But what I love most is the opportunity to interact with various people in different career levels so that I may be able to draw from others and build myself up in the process.

I have truly watched myself blossom over the last few years. I've gone from the girl who barely spoke above a whisper, to the young woman who can boldly speak her mind. Interacting with people used to scare me terribly. And though my hands still shake when meeting new people, I warm up more quickly to others now than I ever thought I could. It actually brings me great joy to interact with people from all walks of life. My current part time job as a bank teller allows me such an opportunity on a daily basis. Who would've thought that this would be me?! Again, I have to say that we never know where certain paths in our lives will lead us, but everything certainly happens for a reason and I believe that my current part time position is building me up to be great in something greater.

Don't get me wrong, I still love working with my hands. I still love research. But I have learned that I also love people and interacting with others outside of the box I have placed myself in for so many years.

As that quote at the beginning of this post suggests, I have taken my blinders off. I am keeping my mind open to alternate careers. And if not, prayerfully it will be in something that will continue to widen my perspective on things in life.

*** image via

On Spring and Other Things

 “It’s Spring again. The earth is like a child that knows poems by heart.”

//Rainer Maria Rilke

Winter lasted for what felt like an eternity. Maybe because of the seemingly endless bouts of cold, rainy days. Or, because this has been my first winter spent outside of school in 6 years. Whatever it was, I’m glad it has ended and will be followed by a shifting in the air... budding flowers, warm sun, cool breeze and refreshing rain.

On another note: I was reading a post on blog evolution yesterday and this question was asked:  What do you do when you feel the direction of your blog and your voice changing? Do you just go with the flow or start all over? I personally believe that an evolution in our blogging voice should be embraced.  I’ll use myself as an example-- When I started this blog, my writings were a hodgepodge of different things that came to mind at the time. I was in my final weeks of undergrad and desired an outlet to voice opinions and share things not related to school. I wrote about anything from celebrity crushes to random things found in my childhood room at home. Since then, I've experienced moving to a new state, graduate school, engagement, hardships, graduating with a Master’s degree, marriage, and unemployment. Why would I want to give up on all of that because I have a ‘new voice’? It is more than likely that my new voice stemmed from all the wisdom I have gained through those experiences. So I believe it’s important to hold on to previous posts.

Now to be completely honest, when I look back on the complete and utter randomness of my blog posts throughout 2010, I wince a little and consider taking them down but keeping them there is all part of the fun. It’s nice seeing where I came from. How my thoughts and concerns changed and how much I have grown in just 3 years time. I enjoy reading those kinds of posts from other bloggers as well.

What do you think? If you feel your blog evolving or your voice changing, will you go with the flow or start fresh? 

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photo via

A Shift

 via

As a kid, I remember the anticipation of sharing every bit of life (as I knew it )with my very good friends. A new discovery. A new crush. My newest prized possession. I would burst at the seams waiting for lunch time to roll around to finally spill the beans in privacy, or rush home to dish the deets of the bus ride after they exited at their stop. It was as if every secret of mine was theirs and not a single detail was speared.

Today, I find myself to be the complete opposite. Every detail of my life is no longer conversational. I can wait to share info, and in many cases, I am very apprehensive to do so. 

In a sense, it's not because I no longer consider my friends trustworthy, but because I am making a shift in life. A shift in knowing what's cool to share and what's best to keep to myself. A shift in knowing that some things are just better left unspoken-- best left lodged in the back of my mind for me to look back on and smile (or shake my head) at. But mostly, I have just made in shift in who I share those secrets with:  my beau. 

As beau and I move towards having a life together where we are united and become one, there has to be a line of communication that's just between us. We have been together for a little over 3 years now and as time progressed, I felt myself making that shift. I felt more comfortable sharing things with him that I could never even imagine telling my good friends from way back when. Nothing is a secret with him, and that's the way it should be. 

I am glad that I have made this shift. Not just for my personal relationship, but for myself as well. I never quite knew what it was to be discrete, but I like what it has taught me. I am able to think critically, and formulate my own opinions. I have also learned to do things in my own time. These lessons may seem simple and miniscule, but it was really something that I have never done myself. 

The life-lessons and wisdom that comes with age is truly a gift. As the days go by, I discover something different about my older self that I really really like. 

Mane Subject

Hair is such a popular subject of discussion among women because in many ways, it defines our personality and style. Styling is often determined by occasion, professional environment, or how we feel on any particular day: 

A sleek bun for an overall polished look, or a super hot summer day. 

Tossled waves for a more laid-back vibe. 

A short pixie cut with color or sharp angles for the edgy, individualistic look. 

  

A couple posts back, I mentioned a haircut and an overall change in the way I wear my hair. What did I do? I stopped chemically straightening my hair via relaxers, grew my hair out for two years, and cut off the chemically processed ends, revealing my true texture: tightly coily/curly hair.

My new look has sparked some negative comments from those around me. I cannot tell you how many times I've been asked if I am "dreading" my hair or if I am now a Rastafarian. I just snarkily respond "no" and think to myself 'Silly people! I spent 2 hours the night before combing all the knots and tangles out of my hair, and furthermore... I wouldn't be in church with you if I was now a Rasta'.

I have to admit, those comments were a little infuriating because people seem to feel obligated to have an opinion about everything you do, as if it is their life to govern. Additionally, it is as if our ethnicity1 has simply forgotten what our hair looks like sans processors or straighteners. Our natural hair is kinky. full of texture, and BIG!  

As a teen I begged my mom for a chemical relaxer until she caved on my 16th birthday. I loved my hair straight, but I also began to miss my coils and the overall fullness of my hair. 

Now that I have that hair back, I'm in love again. Going back to my natural curly hair texture was such a great decision for me; I get to try tons of different styles and learn my hair again.

1In this post, I am specifically speaking of Jamaican ethnicity because that is my nationality and it's people from this ethnicity who communicate their thoughts concerning my hair to me.

Words of Wisdom

One of my favorite things about being a Christian is receiving Words of Wisdom: a revelation of God’s plans and purpose for my future life. Since I still consider my walk with Christ to be a little immature, I often get these Words of Wisdom from another individual who is in my life at the time. My ears are still struggling to hear the Word from God, himself, so he uses vessels (other people) who can relay the message to me. 

I’ve been in a rut lately. It’s almost two months since I graduated and I still have no job offer. I have grown intensely miserable being at home every. single. day. Beau and I would like to start planning our wedding for sometime this year (crazy, I know, but not impossible), but money, house-shopping, and a seemingly lack of support has got me down.

 

I can pretend everything is okay through blog posts, as blogosphere really does provide only a small window into our everyday lives, but sometimes, I like to keep it real. Like, really real! 

{Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t publish these kinds of posts for a pity party. I do because (1) I know that someone in the world might face similar situations at some time in life, and may seek the support of knowing that they are not alone in their feelings; and (2) I know for sure that things always work out in the end. So, in the future, I can look back at disheartening situations and remember how I made it through. Fun weekends and good times are great for reminiscing, but memories of disheartening times are also valuable, because there will always be that reminder that I was able to overcome it. ::Exit soapbox:: }

In any case, after a while, disappointments and letdowns can really take its toll on our spirits and we can easily become frustrated at the thought and sight of just about everything. But I was given a Word of Wisdom that the Lord sees my frustration, and if I would just allow Him to direct my paths, He will see me through. So, that is what I plan to do. No more worrying. No more frustration.

“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.  Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)