A New Heart

I constantly feel like I am fighting the most treacherous battle in life. Kind of like the ones you read about in the history books: Gory. Merciless. Never ending. The schism in all of this is that the battle is of a mental/spiritual nature, which I am sure makes it almost exponentially more difficult to fight and win.

I have struggled with so much hurt during my short life. I never knew how to deal with it. I held it all in. Stayed quiet. Never talked back. Accepted the abuse. Until one day, I snapped. It was senior year in high school. I got myself in trouble. She snapped (as usual), and I finally snapped back. I've forgiven her since then. Even before that, I did... and after as well. I was never one to hold grudges. Grudges are the kinds of things that eats at us, slowly. And in the end, we are hurt more than the person who is hurting us. 


I finally went to college. I couldn't wait! I was so happy to leave that 'hell hole'. And then, our relationship seemed to have mellowed out. It was as if absence does make the heart grow fonder.There were momentary hiccups during school breaks, but nothing major. Nothing like what I had experienced before. 

Then I fell in love, and he asked me to marry him and all hell broke loose again. I began feeling guilty for being in love. Afterall, I had never felt this way before and I wasn't even sure of what love was. Her anger towards us started making me feel angry toward us. There was a constant back and forth between our first date (2009) and our engagement (2011), but last year was the worst of it all. I started doubting him. I started doubting us. I also began doubting Him, above. 

But He came through for us, and we got married. November 24, 2011. Just as He had spoken to my heart in June. 

And I felt as though I was finally free! But that's not why I wanted to get married. I loved my beau, but that love was marred by all my past hurts. ALL the past pains. Who knew I would carry that into our blessed marriage? There were a few days where we would be okay, and other days when we were not... I was not. This new life we were building, was it really meant to be? I began questioning myself. He apparently began to pray. I prayed as well, because I noticed that those feelings I felt towards him at times were not deserved. I wanted to love him like he loves me... Like He loves us both.

March 10, 2013, I got a new heart. 

A pastor from New Jersey. He was no stranger to our church, but he happened to come by that Sunday to visit our pastor and preach God's word to us. During the night service, he hardly got a chance to preach as the Lord began speaking to him about the issues of His people at our church. I was just praising the Lord minding my own business when I felt his hand on my forehead. He signaled the musicians to stop playing, the praise team to stop singing, and I could suddenly feel all eyes on me. He revealed some things about me that only I and a select few knew. How I felt like I was losing my mind. How last year was really hard for me. How it all began to affect a relationship I'm in now. I melted in tears. He didn't have to spell out every single detail, but I knew that God was speaking directly through him. He said that on that night, I would get a new heart... A new heart. 

I haven't been the same since then. I've had the normal bouts of 'tired, miserable wife'... but no more thoughts or feelings of disdain towards him. No more bouts of depression and uselessness. And most of all, I feel as though I have really forgiven her. I have before, but even more so now. 

My wish is that if any of you reading this post has experienced something similar, you will find comfort in these words. And comfort from a God who sees and knows. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

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Just Keep Swimmin'

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Every once in a while, I get overtaken by unhappy feelings. The most recent was just a week ago, when I tweeted this statement. It seems like it deserved the hashtag of #morbidtweet, but not at the time. I thought it was clever and disclosed how I was feeling exactly at that moment in time.

You see, I go through bouts of sadness. Not so much depression, as I still wake up, get out of bed and do things during the day, but sadness. Sad that I wake up and do just about the same thing everyday. Sad that I feel stuck-- even though there is a high-probability of getting out of joblessness. Sad that after all these years of living, I still haven't found a way to be content with whatever my current state of life may be, contrary to what I stated in a previous post.

To be honest, I don't know how I feel sometimes. Sometimes, I am indeed content. Then, the green-eyed monster comes in and someone else's seemingly joyous life full of beauty, laughter, employment and deeper relationships with God makes me wish I had all of that too. Although, I do have most of it, in my own personal way.

Gahh. I seem to be writing in circles here. I just wanted to release a bit of what has been on my heart lately. (which may be the first step to dealing).

Emotions are funny. They are fleeting... transient. I guess that's why we have to focus on greater things in life.

And maybe... I should learn to swim -- figuratively and literally (as to not allow myself to drown).

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 

Phillipians 4:8

Sad Before

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I've been sad before, but not like this. No. This one is a little different. This one hurts a little more. ..

This one has me feeling physically sick to my stomach. Retching with no product. Lying face-down on the floor bawling never ending tears. Yea! This one is different.

I almost wish someone would rip my insides out, so I could feel a different kind of pain.

You see, no one really knows what I have been through unless they've been through it themselves. How someone could be so wicked and angry for naught. The venomous things they'd say. The spiteful things they'd do.

It hurts.