Beyond Awareness

image via

I could not let this month close without publishing a post on Breast Cancer Awareness, something I am a very strong advocate for.

I recently heard from a coworker that when her daughter in law turned 40 yrs old, she decided to invest in her health a little more.  She scheduled an appointment for her very first mammogram and was found to have stage IV breast cancer. I can not imagine the wild whirlwind her life has taken on in the last month or so going from diagnosis to quickly undergoing an aggressive course of treatment. My heart aches for her and her family. 

Sadly, this is not a standalone case. There are many people who go to the doctor for a routine visit and leave with a life changing diagnosis; sometimes because they overlooked that spot, or that odd pain. The point I am trying to make is that we need to take care of ourselves. Sometimes we get so caught up in our busy schedules, or we just coast along because we’ve felt relatively healthy "all our lives", and we fail to take care of this body that takes us through those busy schedules.

Do not neglect your self.

Make time for those routine check-ups.

If something in your body does not seem right, get it checked out. It is better to have a routine check-up now when that pain is just a tiny nuisance than to have it progress later on.  

I understand that we are beyond awareness now, in regards to Breast and other types of cancers, but I still wanted to highlight the need for vigilance.  There are many things in this world that can contribute to that dreaded cancer diagnosis and there is no miracle drug that can prevent it. I honestly believe it is just the luck of the draw these days. However, I implore you to make those routine appointments and to do your self-checks, so that if you are ill, it may at least be diagnosed at an earlier stage.

The Getting

In 2015, I moved from the idea of creating New Year's Resolutions to setting goals. I wrote a checklist of dreams and desires for myself in the back of my planner and intermittently checked the status of them throughout the year. It wasn't a long list by any means, but it included aspirations that I have had for a while. Big item things that I would have really liked to accomplish at some point in life (ie. near future). By the end of the year, I think all but two things were checked off. I thought that was impressive, but not good enough. Not having those last two items checked off felt like a failure to me (because sadly, I have a severe misconception about the the goodness of my life most times). 

This evening as I drove home from work, my mind drifted into deep thought as it normally does. I don't remember the sequence in which my thoughts came, but I ended with the realization that I had achieved one of the last goals on that list. I had the job title that I was seeking for some time now. And though the position is nothing like what I had imagined, it is what I wanted, and what I researched endlessly, and what I prayed for. I wanted this, and I got it. Granted, it's not what I thought it would be in terms of salary and perks and the like, but this was it. I got so caught up in what it lacked, and how it didn't make me feel, and how it was in comparison to other titles, that I lost sight of the fact that it was actually in my possession.

How thankless we are sometimes! -- or, at least I know I am. We are always on the hunt for the next level, the next best thing, and we forget to appreciate what we have now. We forget to see and acknowledge the blessing (for lack of a better term) that we have before us. 

As I try to work through this revelation, for the remainder of the week or however long it takes to chew and digest all of this, my one hope is that I don't forget the humble beginnings. I hope I don't forget the journey that got me to whatever milestone I reach. I want to remember the wanting, because it was the wanting that leads to the getting.

Zelda Pig

 

We adopted a little guinea, called Zelda, one year ago. There was a pair of them (the other was called "Link"... haha). They were under the care of a bioinformatic postdoc at the hospital who inherited them from a friend who moved to California. But because he travels to India every year for an extended period of time, he was looking to give them up to someone who could take care of them. During the long inquiry process (where I was doing research and trying to decide if I really wanted to take on caring for guinea pigs), I was notified that Link developed a lower body issue that made it difficult for her to move, and so the vet had her euthanized. The postdoc was very honest with me about this during this time, and that allowed me to trust him through the rest of the adoption process. I also met with him during tea time one afternoon to discuss care and essentials, and that also eased my worries.

So, on August 24, 2016, I took Zelda home with a cage, a pigloo, and full bag of baby carrots (her fave). She was very nervous during her first days with us... months even. She was very clean, but her nails was super long! It almost seemed like she was neglected. Our first order of business was getting her nails clipped. I did research, watched a couple youtube videos, and tried to do it myself, but she was very frightened, and very fast. We could not catch her to cut her nails ourselves or even to take her to a vet for them to cut it. It got overwhelming very quickly. I remember reaching out to one of my college friends who recently got two guinea pigs to ask for advice on overall guinea  pig care. She mentioned going to an animal shelter to  get a friend to replace Link since guinea pigs are social and Zelda would most likely get lonely. Friends, hearing that, the only thing on my mind was bringing Zelda to a shelter so that I could give her up for adoption. It had not even been 4 days since we had her and I was thinking about giving her away (how horrible). It just seemed like too much work at the time.  I'm glad we didn't give her up, however. I did research on these animal shelters and read that most guinea pigs would not make it because they're so overcrowded. I could not do that to this sweet piggie who had already lost a friend.

As the weeks went by, we decided to keep Zelda, and I'm so glad that we did. She brought some adventure to our mundane lives. Almost immediately, we weren't just worrying about ourselves anymore. And even though people mostly say that after having babies, it can also be said about a pet. She makes us laugh at her greediness, and curiosity, and gives us a great stretch/workout when trying to catch her to clean her cage. I think the greatest change is how hubs has warmed up to her. He is not a fan of pets at all. He was more than apprehensive about us getting one, but has warmed up to her over time. I actually think he's her favorite. He spoils her with all the treats, and ear rubs, and she is very responsive to his voice.

I am not sure how much time she has left with us. She was said to be 2.5 to 3 years old  (lifespan: 4-8 years) when we adopted her. I've thought about getting her a companion for some time now, but all of the ones in the pet stores are very young (6 months). I don't want to start the never ending cycle of bringing in a new guinea pig every time one passes away. That cycle can go on for years, and we are not here for it! I think after Zelda pig passes on, that will be our first and last pet for a time. We enjoy the company and the bits of joy that having one brings, but we're not too fond of the responsibility, especially in regards to care when away on vacation.

We love our Zelda pig though, and are very glad that she's in our lives. 

She doesn't even have a clue. 

We're just food providers.

Weekend Getaway: Washington, DC

In an effort to spend more time together (which is surprisingly really hard to do these days), beau and I decided to take a weekend trip away to the nation's capital. We booked two nights in a hotel in Maryland - about a 30 minute drive from D.C. a couple weeks in advance and excitedly waited in anticipation for this time away from home. I haven't been to DC in 10+ years (I attended a pre-college program at the University of Maryland College Park during the summer of my junior and senior year of high school and we always took trips to the museums in DC).

 After work Friday evening, we sat down and had leftovers for dinner, packed up a few last minute items and got on the road around 7:30 pm. Despite my fear of being stuck in traffic, the ride south was pretty easy and smooth. We arrived at our hotel at around 10 pm and tucked in for the night. 

Saturday morning, we woke up pretty early. It was almost like clockwork. Clearly sleeping in wasn't in the stars for us, even if we tried. That was okay though, as we had plans to see a really cool art exhibit at the Hirshorn (Yayoi Kusama: Infinity Mirrors) and knew we had to stand in line for tickets. We arrived at the museum at around 9 am, and no-lie, the line to the museum spanned 2.5 really long city blocks. We decided to give it a shot anyway and stood in line for an hour. Within the first five minutes of getting in the queue, we moved about up about the length of 1-1.5 blocks, so that was amazing to us. We were sure we would get in at that rate. But at about 40 minutes in, and only moving up a few feet as patrons seemingly lost their patience and got out of line, I decided to take a walk down to the entrance to see exactly how many more people were ahead of us. Needless to say, there were a LOT! I mean, the line ahead of us stretched about one long city block down (0.2 miles), then wrapped around the gate to the museum, and then around the circular shaped building. That was enough for me to give up on seeing the exhibit. With that many people in line, we were not guaranteed to get in. Plus, it would be a huge waste to our day. So, we excused ourselves from the line and made our way towards the Washington Monument. (Btw, the line was about 2.5 blocks long BEHIND us!!!)

We spent the rest of the day walking around the city, stopping at all the monuments and memorials. The distance between each seemed a little daunting, especially as we ventured over to the Thomas Jefferson memorial and still wanted to get to the White House and the Capitol Building. But we toughed it out and got our steps in! My legs almost failed me by the time we got to the Capitol. A part of me was a little happy that they had closed the steps off, because I honestly don't think I would have made it.

We took a little rest break at the Capitol then started making our way to the car. We passed by the U.S. Bontanic Garden just a few blocks ahead and had to stop inside! I am glad we did. It's what #urbanjungleblog dreams are made of! We finished the evening off with dinner and an Asian fusion place back in Maryland, played a few rounds of a card game (it's our thing) and then went to bed. The next day, we took it easy. Check--out was at noon, so we slept in (and honestly spent a good chunk of time trying to find a brunch spot that wasn't fully booked for Mother's Day), had brunch, then drove home.

This kind of trip is not everyone's cup of tea, but we enjoyed it. We love going to places we've never been before to explore. The break away from the stresses of life is also nice. I find that I am much more pleasant when I'm away, and Beau's mind is more at ease. Also, I'm pretty sure I lost a couple inches in my trouble areas from that walk!

Korean BBQ

The food culture in America, especially in larger cities like Philadelphia is so great. It is comprised of a blend of cuisines from all around the world. I used to be the person who stuck to what I knew. Wherever we went, I would order a chicken dish... like, I was THAT plain. Even though I am a Jamaican and we eat pretty peculiar dishes like pigstail, tripe and beef liver and kidney I would eat those things, but stay clear from everything else that was unfamiliar. Calamari?- no way! sushi?- definitely not! I think it was after I began dating Beau that I became a little more adventurous. So much so that I now crave sushi, and I am willing to try things like escargot when we go on super fancy dinner dates. 

I have tried many regional cuisines since we started dating, but one cuisine I have yet to try was Korean- specifically Korean barbecue.  After viewing a few Youtube videos with Korean foodfare (eg. clothesencounters), I decided I really wanted to try it. Hubs found us a deal to Miga in the Fairmount Park section of Philadelphia. We went on a Sunday evening and I was pretty excited to go. The menu was a little daunting because they did not have normal meats like beef or pork, they were listed as bulgogi and galbi -- and what actually is that?! We decided on the Korean bbq for two and had our ingredients mis en place in no time. 

We started out a little dainty, placing one or two meats and a few vegetables at a time. The waiter then came over and seized our utensils-- tongs and a pair of meat cutting scissors-- and threw a couple more things on the fire, chopped up the large pieces of beef into smaller ones and started brushing the sauces on. ------------I guess we weren't doing it right!! 😂--------------------- After that , we got a little more comfortable with how everything worked and made sure that guy did not have to come back again. We ate and were strangely satisfied, even though it didn't seem like a lot of food at the time.

Overall, it was a good experience. I can finally say that I tried Korean barbecue! But will I ever go back there again? Probably not to this specific locatio-- for two reasons only: (1) the portions of the sides seemed so meager. I'm talking like, ONE piece of bell pepper and a very sad 5 stalks of broccoli; and (2) I felt like it was missing something. Maybe the company of others friends/family, or maybe additional sides (like you see in googled images of Korean bbq). Whatever it was, I do believe our experience could have been a little better. I will probably eat these words in a couple years if  someone mentions going out for Korean barbecue and I end up going, but for now, it's up there with Hibachi, where the first time experience is fun and exciting, but it's not something you would want to do on a monthly basis. Maybe once a year or every six months so the experience and excitement is fresh again.

Have you ever dined at a Korean BBQ?

What We've Been Through

To the people who say "Thank God I don't look like what I've been through", who are you?? How was that even possible?? Every bit of what I've gone through is stamped ALL over my face. Every nook. every crevice... the depths of my eyes reveal it all. 

... But everyone is too caught up in their own worlds to see it. 

Life Is Not Always A Straight Path

"Life is not always a straight path..."

These wise words were spoken by the man--  the brilliant scientist--  who gave me my start in the science field almost 6 years ago. I paid him a visit during my lunch break to have an open conversation about my frustrations in trying to start my career and to seek advice from someone who has been in the field for over 50 years. I told him how I finished school the year after my summer internship there. How I applied to over 860 jobs during that time period, and only ended up with a job as a bank teller. How I don't even know what I want to pursue anymore because everything that I've gone after thus far has been one big disappointment; and how I was grateful to be back in the hospital where I started, but it was still not where I wanted to be. He listened quietly and after I had said all that was on my heart, he spoke softly and said "Life is not always a straight path, but you will get to your destination at the right time."

Those words have stuck with me since, and has sort of become my mantra. I now see life- especially in regards to goals and dreams- as a really long journey. One will lots of rest stops, flat tires, and detours. We are not just born and then zip-lined through all the major milestones  and goals to our death. No! We have to fall and scrape our knees before we learn to walk, and we have to have our hearts broken by silly boys in high school, before we meet the loving husband of our forever. We have to go through the disappointments and rejections to grow thick skin. And we have to start from the bottom to be able to survive at the top.

Tomorrow, I begin a new position in Clinical Research. This comes only 10 months after I left the bank and started working as a data coordinator. I am incredibly grateful to be one step closer to my career goals. Which, to be honest, I don't even know what that looks like anymore, but I know that this is a step in the right direction, and just one of the many curves that life has thrown me into.

As I enter into this new chapter of life, I can't help but look at where I have come from. As a bank teller, I learned to speak up, get over my severe social anxiety, handle various personalities, and become well versed in finance- something I was never interested in before. As data coordinator, I was able to take my communication skills up several notches. Working with a multidisciplinary team of doctors, lab technicians, secretaries, and sales reps would have worn this introvert out if I did not have the experience of working at an extremely busy branch and dealing with strong-willed, loud mouth customers. Not only was I able to interact with different personalities in that new role, but I was able to communicate information effectively and properly manage the work-flow of a lab that was becoming increasingly busy.

I'm not sure why advancing from the bank took 2.5 yrs and advancing from data coordinator only took 10 months, but I am more than certain that the lessons learned are absolutely necessary for where life will take me.

Here's to another stepping stone. Another meaningful curve to life's path.

Golden

It is my 'golden birthday'. I am 29 on the 29th!

As the year turned and my birthday approached, I reflected on life over the past few years. I felt as though nothing has changed in terms of personality and characteristics. I looked in the mirror over the last 5 years and saw the same Jhan. My mind felt like the same Jhan.  I could see the physical changes, especially on my face, but internally, I still felt unsure of myself. I still felt young, a little apprehensive, and  very afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone. But a shift happened in the last few days. (Is that how birthdays work when you're approaching a major milestone??) I am beginning to feel my age. A little more strong willed, and a little more like an adult. What the actual heck?! I am getting old! [insert distraught emoji] I am definitely still unsure of myself most days, but I am definitely more out-spoken and strong-willed. Baby steps. 

This is 29. 

Ode to 2016

As 2016 draws to a close, I am left reflecting on the year. The year started off exactly how it did in 2015. But with time, it got better. I was finally offered a position  that was somewhat close to my academic studies. That dream of having a fully furnished home started coming together. We were able to save up for a pretty epic anniversary trip to the Southwest (hopefully I will be able to share some photos of that in the near future). I was also able to shoot a couple weddings, engagements and family shoots. After years of baby fever, Beau and I have adopted our first baby together- a 2.5 year old, hungry-belly guinea pig named Zelda. She snapped me out of that baby fever rather quickly. And though it is not the same- nor even remotely close- to having a real, live, human baby, she is enough right now. 

More than everything, this is the year that I understood the true meaning of life. You can read all about that realization in my previous post, but here's the general idea: Life is what it is. We don't choose what is handed to us. We don't choose to be starving artists. We don't choose to lose loved ones. Simply put, we do not choose the bad things that happen to us. Neither do we choose all the good that happens to us either. But that is how it works. Life is unpredictable. It is lovely and it freakin' hurts! The best that we can do is live it gratefully. Take the bitters and the sweets, because that is what builds our character and leaves lasting impacts on those we meet. 

I am grateful for this lesson in life, and I thank 2016 and all the years before for supplying me with this knowledge. 

“Abandon the urge to simplify everything, to look for formulas and easy answers, and to begin to think multidimensionally, to glory in the mystery and paradoxes of life, not to be dismayed by the multitude of causes and consequences that are inherent in each experience -- to appreciate the fact that life is complex.”  ― M. Scott Peck

An Honest Post

I have found myself in a really dark place lately. It’s nothing new really, I’ve faced depression before. This year, however, has been the hardest one in a while. Beginning in March, I found myself feeling really sad and empty. I would stand in the shower and begin weeping for a good 30 seconds. Then the weeping would end, like a faucet being turned off. No drip of a single tear, no thoughts as to why I was sad or crying—nothing. That lasted for a few weeks. It’s a little different now. I am sad and I feel hopeless at times, but there is minimal weeping. I am not sure why that is, but a part of me thinks that it’s because after so many years my circumstances haven’t changed and so there is no hope of them changing now. It’s kind of like settling, or being at peace. Except I am not really at peace. I just have an understanding that life is what it is. We can will it to change, but maybe it won’t. We can work hard to attain our goals and dreams, but we may never make it. THIS IS THE UNCERTAINTY OF LIFE. Que sera, sera.  

That is a really strong revelation to have during an emotionally unstable time, isn’t it?

I did not arrive at this revelation on my own, however. I was listening to Corinne Bailey Rae's The Love E.P. few weeks ago, when her beautiful (extended live) rendition of Que sera, sera began to play. This is actually one of my all-time favorite songs, so I know the lyrics pretty well. But that time it really hit me like something new. The story of a woman wanting to know what lies ahead for her future and receiving the response "Whatever will be, will be; The future is not ours to see" is so profound in its simplicity. As humans, we are all so caught up  with what our futures will be like. We set goals, we have big dreams, we make plans years in advance. Sometimes they come to fruition and sometimes they don't. 

I remember growing up, I wanted to work in the healthcare field. I wanted to be a doctor-- more specifically, a neurosurgeon, after reading Ben Carson's book Gifted Hands. I carried this goal with me for years. I went to college with the intention of being a Pre-Med student and attending medical school afterward to attain these goals. Then freshman year Chemistry kicked my butt, Molecular biology kicked my arse and I just. struggled. I even had my freshman adviser say that I should "study music, or something" since I was having such a hard time. I got rid of her as an adviser and found favor with another professor who carefully guided me through my remaining years of undergrad. It was then that I fell in love with laboratory work and research. I changed my goals to cancer research and worked feverishly to attain it. I attended graduate school for 2 years and graduated with high hopes of starting my career in Research immediately. That did not happen, however, as here I am four years later with 880+ submitted applications, zero offers, thousands of dollars in student loan debt, 2.5 years as a bank teller and 6 months as an administrative assistant to show for it. Que sera, sera.

This has caused me to cycle through the gamut of emotions (including the depression that I mentioned earlier) because of my circumstances. However, nothing has quite brought comfort and solace until grasping the idea that when it comes to life, Que sera, sera. No matter how many self-help books you read, or motivational speeches you listen to... no matter how many suggestions friends, loved ones, colleagues, etc. throw at you, and no matter how many of them you try, the truth beneath it all is that whatever is meant to happen in your life, will happen. Yes, sometimes we wish really hard for something and that wish comes true. Yes, sometimes we work our butts off over many years to attain a goal and we finally reach it. Yes, sometimes we don't don't work really hard for things at all and they seemingly fall into laps. Yes, that too! But that is not the case for everyone. Sometimes people work just as hard, if not harder, to attain goals and never reach them. Sometimes they never give up.... they fight their entire lives, only to come up short. It's just what was in the cards for them. It is what is in the cards for you. It is what is in the cards for me. 

I've noticed a trend in the past few  years. I can't think of the appropriate terminology for it right now, but it is along of the lines of people making themselves gods... or a form of God. They have mantras like "create your own reality" or "Self-achievement". We have become a very self-reliant generation. One where we rely on our own strengths and powers and will to get us through. I don't believe in that way of thinking however, because as human beings, we are very weak. We are fragile. We are breakable. And no amount of inner strength can prevent us from being broken. Similarly, often times, no amount of wishing or working to attain something will make it a reality -- if it is not written in the cards for your life. You see, people fail to realize that humans are not gods... WE are not gods. We can't will something to happen and then have it come to pass. I think that by chance, sometimes, it may happen that way, but that is neither coincidence or chance. It is your life's will. I believe in a sovereign God who know's everything about our lives - beginning to end. I believe that every detail of our lives are already written - who our parents are,  who we marry, who we give birth to, when we die. I believe it is all a story that is written out for us, all that's left for us to do is live it out. 

So yes, sometimes it's difficult for us when we set goals and never attain them. It's even more frustrating when we try hundreds of various ways to attain them with no luck of doing so. But sometimes we have to accept where our lives take us, because that is what is written in life's story for us. Sure, no one wills to be impoverished. No one wills to be born with or acquire a debilitating illness. But that is the life people get dealt sometimes and the people in those situations live with those circumstances to the best of their abilities. It does not stop them from being sad at times, and it does not stop them for wishing for a change, but they learn to live. And live they must! For we are only given this one life on earth. It may not be the "best", but it is what it is. 

Que sera, sera. 

Whatever will be, will be. 

Self-Care, Self-Awareness and Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October - Breast Cancer Awareness month is something I've been passionate about for a few years now. It started when I was 16 yrs old and discovered I had lumps in breast (that turned out to be benign). That interest further develop when my mother's cousin died from cancer within a few months of diagnosis leaving behind an 8 year old daughter. Being a biology major in college and studying cell signaling pathways and how the turning on (activation) and turning off (inhibition) of certain genes in our bodies could adversely affect the incredible innate order of our genes, have enticed me even more. I was then offered this amazing opportunity to work in a Breast Cancer Research lab one summer while in graduate school and it was like the fire and zeal were ignited even more. 

It's been a few years since then that I posted something about breast cancer awareness. I think I was a little disheartened at not being able to find work in a field that I loved so much. But that interest was never completely lost. 

Of course we are all AWARE of breast cancer by now. But being aware is more than 'knowing' that something exists. It is being proactive and in tune with one's self, checking to make sure you and your family members are healthy. Obviously this goes beyond breast cancer awareness. It encompasses total body health. But for you women out there- young and old- check yourselves. Check for lumps or anything that doesn't seem normal. Don't overlook discomfort. Make regular appointments to see your family doctor.... Just take care of yourselves. 🎀

Article 13: Art Installation

The Philadelphia International Festival of the Arts kicked off on Friday night with an eye-catching exhibit called Article 13 at Penn's Landing.  Here is a little blurb on the show/exhibition:

"Equal parts installation, spectacle, and documentary, Article 13 is a large-scale story made out of small stories in a constant state of evolution, based on current events related to immigration. A collaboration between Compagnie Carabosse (France) & Teatro Linea de Sombra (Mexico), Article 13 is a memorial to the thousands of migrants who have disappeared and at the same time it gives back human face, flesh and identity to the anonymous ones lost in search of a better world.

The memorial, made of sand and fire, personifies the scope of the phenomenon of immigration through the non-traditional presentation of statistical data, economic evidence, geopolitical aspects, the forms of those who have disappeared, and how things relate to each other. Along this path of inhabited installation, audiences are touched by words, snatches of conversation, and accounts given by migrants; providing seemingly lost perspective that these people — before they were statistics, or a number of 'disappeared' in the media, or even dangerous suspects — before all else, are human beings." (source)

Immediately after entering the gates to the outdoor exhibit, we saw these wooden statues 'walking' through bits of sand, surrounded by candles. Through the speakers, we could hear the voices of men and women with accents specific to the native lands telling their stories of wanting to make a better life for themselves-- having a dream and wanting to fulfill it. This resonated with me as I myself am an immigrant and the daughter of one. My mother told me stories of leaving Jamaica when I was 10 months and coming to America to make a better life for herself and her children. I am sure that most migrants share this story of hope and desire. This is also a relevant topic since immigration is such a hot button topic these days.

As we walked into the main exhibit, we were coming upon the finale (gahh! finding parking downtown is the worst!). Every section of the lot had a fire pit of some sort set up. The performers all had a routine that no one seemed to understand initially, but then it began making sense. They doused the clothing in water, slapped it on the fire pit, walked around and showed it to everyone, and then laid it down on the ground. I saw this as symbolism for those people who risked their lives trying to cross the waters-- trying to cross the borders, but they didn't quite make it. The performers made it a point to remember those people. It was not enough to remember those who have made it, but to also remember those who had similar dreams, but were not able to make it a reality.

    

The exhibit runs until tonight, April 10, 2016. It is completely free. If you are able to see it, then go.  It begins at 9pm.