I began 'journaling' around this time last year. It started as a means of recording some things that the Lord had revealed to me during my personal time of devotion: promises, truths, understanding, and revelation. I then started including some prayers and hopes for this life of mine and more recently, some of the frustrations I feel as I walk this Christian pathway. Within the pages are some DEEP cries of disappointments and questioning. Not really questioning who God is, but why He does things a certain way.
I began reading the book of Ruth recently, and what captivated me in the first chapter was Naomi's name change. As a bit of background, Naomi was the mother-in-law of Ruth. She had moved (out of Israel) to a foreign country with her husband and sons who had also married the foreign women. Naomi's husband died and then a few years later, both of her sons also died leaving Naomi and her two daughter-in-laws widowed. Times were hard for widows in those times, so Naomi's response was pretty much relative to what our modern day response would be to such a tragedy: bitterness and questioning. She changed her name to "Mara", saying that it was because "the Lord has dealt bitterly with [her]". And if saying it once was not enough, she reiterated it again saying "I went out full and the Lord hath brought me home again empty... the Lord hath testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me" (Ruth 1:21).
As I read these words that Naomi spoke, I completely empathized with her grief. Although our circumstances are obviously different, I often feel as though God has somehow chosen to make me miserable. Now, don't get me wrong. I wholly believe in God and His sovereignty. I believe that He owns everything upon this earth and I also believe that everything that happens, occurs because He allowed it to. With that being said, I have earnestly felt that the Lord has dealt treacherously with me these past three years. I have no idea why and I hate it so much. But the part that is so conflicting in all of this is my sheer belief in and love for this God, this father... the one, Jesus Christ has denied me of something I so earnestly desire. Many people often question the goodness of God when faced with tragedy and hardships, but theirs is with a bitter tongue. I do not doubt God, His sovereignty or His wisdom. I just want to know why.