July 8, 2015

A Sprinkle of Self-Confidence

Untitled

There are days when I look in the mirror and the face looking back at me brings so many negative thoughts. 

Although I grew up as a quiet and soft-spoken child, I never thought it had anything to do with self-confidence or a lack thereof. In fact, I did not start finding faults with my features until my (apparently) very noticeable flaw was pointed out to me in the 7th grade. I was riding the school bus home, and this kid who was younger than I was kept making silly faces. So, I imitated him and made silly faces back. He then said to me "How did you make your eyes do that?!" 'What?', I thought to myself. I had no clue what he meant. When I got home that day, I rushed to the mirror in my bedroom and was faced with the truth of what he questioned. I had a lazy eye. (I actually detest that term. I prefer to call it by it's medically correct name-- exotropia). I started wearing glasses when I was 7 years old. During that time I endured patching and vision therapy. I did not know why I had to go through these therapies other than the fact that the vision in my right eye was weaker than my left. It was not until that day that I realized why the vision in my left eye was weaker. Since my right eye drifted outward, it did not work in-synch with the left. All of my vision strength relied on this 'good' eye, therefore causing the right one to become weaker and weaker and drift further out. I think this is the day my battle with self-confidence began. I never looked anyone in the eyes. I almost always held my head down. This was because the older I got, the more mean people seemed to have gotten mean about it. They somehow would never know if I was talking to them because my eyes were facing different directions.. They were uncomfortable speaking to me and it made me uncomfortable interacting with them. 

Freshman year of college, I had enough. The guys were mean! I hated life. I still remember the evening I called my mother in a bout of tears begging her to get the eye-alignment surgery (a surgery where they cut and restitched the loose eye muscle). I think she felt bad for me, and agreed. I got that surgery about a week before my 19th birthday-- right before winter break was over. My eyes were blood red in the first couple days, but when they finally started to heal, I got a new-found confidence. I enjoyed being in photos. I wasn't afraid to make eye contact. I just felt better about myself. That surgery - although it was cosmetic and did nothing for the underlying vision problem - was the best thing that happened to me because of the way it changed the way I feel about myself. 

Fast forward to today, where my self-confidence is bottled up under many of my current physical traits (i.e. breakouts, weight gain, and my eye turn coming back,). I still struggle with  'feeling pretty'. I struggle with looking at other women and wishing I looked like them or had their {enter beautiful trait here}. But there are days when I can look in the mirror and say, "ha! you don't look half bad today, Jhan". And then I smile and snap a selfie.

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your story! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think we all go through this at some point or another. But the most important part is that last line. Own it -- love it -- and werk it! You're beautiful! (:

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hate that boy on the school bus.

    ReplyDelete

Comments/Questions are always welcomed and appreciated.
Thank you for stopping by!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...